I know this may be the same old story for some, for me this is so much more.
At A Glance Author Thesuicideking13 Contact Thesuicideking13@aol.com When It just happened Artist A rite of passage Studio Spiderbite Location manchester, NH, USA On Sunday night, the team from A Rite of Passage came to our shop and assisted 4 friends and I in our first suspension, all of us opting for a 4 point suicide suspension. I guess this is the starter suspension, the gateway, if you will. The navel piercing of the suspension world.
Now I can't tell you exactly what everyone else was thinking, though I do feel I understand them all a little better now. I can only tell you what I feel now, and try to explain what I felt then.
I used to think I was only doing it for the hell of it. I used to think that I was doing it because my friend asked me to do it with her. I also used to think that the experience was going to be when I was hung. Now I see things differently. I will clarify. Let me begin.
After a long weekend of different experiences, tiring and eye opening experiences I will not explain here because they do not weigh heavily on this story, the team from mass walked into our shop shortly before close and began to set up in the designated area. The 5 people signed up to do it were myself, Jon (my boss), Jen(my apprentice), my co-worker / colleague / partner in piercing Zippy and Shannon, the other piercer who worked the opposite days that I did. We were all so abuzz, excited, apprehensive, nervous and giddy we closed the shop early, which NEVER happens. We are trying to do our normal closing routine but couldn't seem to focus on the mundane tasks we never needed to pay attention to do. Most of the normal closing tasks were neglected until later that night.
We gathered in the back where we were going to do it, many co-workers were there that weren't actively participating (going up) arrived and we started the show.
Now before I go much further, I want to describe the days leading up to this day. The way I was "mentally preparing" for this. It all began for me when I was sitting and watching "Modify" with my coworker, apprentice piercer, my right hand lady Jen. I have a very strange relationship with Jen which I again wont go into detail here because it is immaterial to the story in the main sense. When the different parts of the movie would come on, we would discuss our thoughts, ideas and feeling on the differing methods of Modification we were seeing. Some things we agreed on, some we differed, but when the suspension sections came on, she told me she had always wanted to do it. I replied that I had never really thought about it, and never felt overly driven to try it. She turned to me and uttered words that I now know were responsible for an irreversible change in me as a person.
"Will you do it with me?"
I said sure without much of a thought. it was almost an empty promise, agreeing to something it seemed likely would not come up. I didn't doubt her drive and devotion, I just couldn't imagine it happening any time soon. I found out all too soon I was wrong.
She told me a few short days later that my boss also wanted to do it, as did two other people I worked with, and that the appointment was set for the team to come. The disbelief began. This was too quick, no way we could put this together and go through with it in only 3 weeks. This disbelief didn't really go away until the first hook.
About a week before the day came, I was lying in bed, restless and awake as usual, and the fear hit. What if my skin ripped? what if there was extra medical attention needed after? like an infection, or an injury? what if I couldn't do it? I decided I would look into it further the next day and fell asleep.
I didn't look into it further. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. And the day came. the fear was all but gone, almost replaced by excitement and apprehension. Excited to try it, scared I would fail. The others had different outlooks and reactions to the imminent deadline. Those who were excited became scared, those who were sure became unsure. Those who claimed to want to do it the most seemed less interested. Except Jen. She became scared, but even more determined. She is my muse, and she turned out to be part of my strength. I had told myself since the day I heard they were coming that I was doing it for two reasons.
1. Because Jen asked me to.
2. For the fuck of it.
the last week another reason popped up. To see if I could. This reason turned out to be the most truthful. I mentioned earlier that I thought the Suspension itself was the experience. It was not. at all.
So we decided we would do them two at a time, two of us going up simultaneously. Jen was always going to be the first one up, but now one of us needed to step up to go "first" as well. I volunteered, even though I didn't think I could do it "First", as in I doubted my ability to do it before witnessing it. But I really wanted to go with Jen as my "partner", the person who went through it at the same time as I would be. I didn't realize how isolating an experience it would be, how much everyone else and the outside world blurred and disappeared as I went through the steps. Jen was first to be pierced. Now before continuing to go into this further, I will tell everyone that 3 of the five of us are fairly heavily modified, and the other two aren't as heavily modded, but are very committed to the culture. To most of us, an 8g piercing was not much of a challenge, we had gone through worse on the road to being the modified people we were. are. So the piercing was like, "yeah whatever. cant be that bad. right?" So she laid down and went through the whole routine as I watched. I knew I was committed the second I saw the first hook in, through, her back. I wasn't going to back out now. My resolve had solidified.
I was next on the table and I was feeling very confident. I was pierced on the first breath, and it wasn't bad at all. It hurt, don't get me wrong, but as in almost all cases with piercing's, not as bad as imagined. But I started to realize this was only the beginning. I walked over to the rig I would be hanging from and began to get strung up. I hadn't felt all that at ease with the team the entire time they had been there. They seemed cold, distant, and self absorbed. This was most likely due to a combination of unfamiliarity, determination and focus on their part to get set up and prepared, and a rift between us I sensed then and now understand. But after the hooks went in, they changed. or maybe I did. They were now the most amazing people I had met in a long time. They were so professional, competent, understanding, patient, and so much of a higher caliber than most people I had ever encountered. My coach started talking to me, explaining things I could barely hear, yet I did my best to listen as my head whirled. He told me about what we were going to do, and what I was going to feel. He explained every step as we came to it, like leading the blind person I didn't realize I was. I was scared, but I trusted him. I barely knew him, but I trusted him more than most people. I didn't know why. He told me that we would hold hands, and he would "dance me up". he explained it, I was fully rigged, and I started to "dance".
The pain was indescribable. remains indescribable. It hurt. period. that was all I could think about. Pain. and the thought that I had to see this through. I HAD to. I Wouldn't give up. I wouldn't give in to this pain. I would fight, and I would win. Time stretched, it slowed, stopped. I was no longer aware of my surroundings. No one else was there. I heard my coach's voice and tried to follow it. For five minute I hung, alone in a crowd, In my own head, and in my own pain. It was MY pain, it belonged to me. I didn't see that then. I do now. My coach asked me if I wanted to swing, I told him no, I needed to get past this pain first. He told me that it was easier when swinging. I didn't believe him, but I was willing to try. I opened my eyes, and looked to my right. Jen was swinging away next to me, and I told him to swing me.
I shouldn't have doubted him. I began to swing, and everything changed. The pain was still there, but it took a backseat to the novelty of being off the ground without sitting on anything, or hanging onto anything. I was "standing", hands clenched at my sides, swinging a foot off terra firma. The rest of my suspension now seems to elude my memory, though it was perfectly clear when it was going on. I know I swung long, and I know I went as high as I could go. I know I learned to control my movement in the air, and that I was trying different things while up there, moving my arms and legs in different motions and seeing how they changed the feeling I had while in the air. I decided after about 40 minutes that I had experienced all I needed to, and was eager to come down so the next person could go up. I was done swinging. for the time being.
Jen was still up.She was most of the reason I had stayed up past the first 5 minutes. If it weren't for her, I think I would have given up, and gotten down before I actually began to enjoy it. She became part of my strength. She was part of the reason I stayed up, part of the reason I experienced it fully. She was part of my strength, part of my reason to stay up, part of me. I walked over and asked her to dance. One of the team asked if I wanted to hang from her. We both looked at the speaker with incredulity and doubt plainly written on our faces.
"Can we do that?" Jen asked. They laughed and said of course we could, and me and Jen once again looked at each other questioningly to see if the other wanted to do it. We both decided we wanted to, and after the proper precautions were taken to prevent contamination, I hung from my buddy Jen. It was by far the most intimate thing I had ever done with anyone, surpassing all previous encounters with everyone. I can only imagine what it was like for her with the hooks in her back and my weight added to hers. All I know was I felt as safe as I ever had since distant, foggy memories of my mother holding me as an infant. Once again the world faded and blinked out for an instant/eternity.
Shortly afterwards, Jen got her hooks removed. I had opted to keep mine in for a little while, almost enjoying having them in there. I watched as they squeezed the air out of her back, amazed and mystified. This was something I had never heard about, or thought of. I think part of my experience was that it was fully unknown to me the details of what I had just done. She told me having them taken out and the air removing massage was the worst part of the whole thing when she was done. So I swallowed the lump in my throat and decided to not postpone the inevitable and had them taken out. I wanted to keep them, but knew I couldn't. I still wish I could. I might try to find a way to put one back in for keeps.
I laid down, and was fortunate enough to have very little air that needed massaging out. The rest of the suspension went on for the others, with some failure, and some trouble, but it proceeded anyway. No one else's suspension went as well as mine and Jens had. At the very end, we were cleaning up, and the team was wearily packing up and I didn't want them to go. These strangers leaving was something I couldn't bear to think of. I wanted to thank them so much, more than I could express. And since they had left my back, I couldn't seem to put down my hooks. It was unbearable to put them in the autoclave and be without them. I needed them in my hands, and I felt alone and panicky when I wasn't absentmindedly handling them, like a child's security blanket. My sense of attachment had been amplified to an obscene level. I didn't yet know that my level of DEtachment had also increased. But that what this story is really about.
The team left after much ado and me insisting I needed a picture with them. Me and Jen and Zippy did all the things we had neglected to do before being strung, but we lingered at the shop, weary, tired, sore, and without any reason at all to remain there. I understand better now, but I didn't know why we did that. I didn't realize how much of a bonding this had been. I am now beginning to be aware of it. Emrys Yetz, the founder of 'a rite of passage' had given me his card with his personal phone number and told me to call whenever. He hugged me before he had left. this felt natural and true while seeming strange in my head. It felt right, seemed wrong.
We all eventually parted, made it home, where I proceeded to go through my pictures, write journals and blogs, hell, I even shared my story for ten minutes to the old lady at the 24 hour Brooks down the street. I slept on my back, knowing it would hurt, but pushing myself to do it for an unknown reason. the same reason that made me do it in the first place. To prove to myself I could. My hooks slept softly beside me on my nightstand.
I don't recall dreaming that night. which is odd. I awoke, hurting, but not unhappy to be. I am usually one to throw aspirin at the slightest ache, but I had earned this pain, and wore it like a badge, like a crown. I didn't want to kill it. I wanted to feel it. I wouldn't put down my hooks. I would hold them, and if I put them in my pocket or in my ear to do a task requiring two hands, I would go no more than ten minutes before scrambling to find them again, to hear them jingle. I went to work, even though I wasn't scheduled. Everyone was there when I arrived, though only two of us were scheduled. I had plans to hang out with a friend of mine who wasn't present the night before, but couldn't seem to tear myself away from my coworkers, My (hanging out) buddies. We stayed at the shop till damn near 3 AM.
That was yesterday. Today I woke up early, and my friend who taped the entire thing came over with the footage. I called Jen, and she came over and watched it with us. She had to go to work, and I wanted to go in as well. Again, all of us were there, 3 of us were off the clock. I am now fully realizing the fact that we were drawn to each other and the building we were suspended in. We had been talking about the suspension every second we were together, and we all had our hooks in hand at all times. We had cleaned each others wounds, which would have never happened before. We always H2Oceaned our own piercing's, and moisturized our own tattoos. This time we did it to and for each other. Odd. We were connected, though I doubt any of us fully realized it yet. we knew, but we didn't feel it. We said it, but didn't comprehend it.
We had all been told after the suspension that we might be " a little bi-polar" for awhile. I think this was a bad description of how we would all feel, but I think it was the only description we could have understood at the time. so it was perfect for then. But now it just doesn't cut it. It's not being bipolar, it is being more receptive, perceptive, clear or cloudy, positive or negative. Everything was to a greater degree, the good and the bad. I guess that is technically bipolar, but to me it is just a higher level of feeling, of thinking, or understanding. Enlightenment.
To have it is to know it. To me, before, enlightenment was just a word, an idea, a concept. Now I realize that is so much more than that, so much more than can be described, labeled, understood. It just is, and needs no further explanation. I used to rely on words so heavily to try and describe everything, trying to understand things that were beyond understanding, to figure things out through sounds and characters that fail to scratch the surface of the realities behind them. Now I feel that so much cannot be explained, but that IT DOESN"T NEED TO BE. this is the big change for me. I used to try and describe everything. now I see there is so much that does not need description, that does not require comprehension.
I keep saying "I used to think" this and that. Try and picture the life cycle of the caterpillar. It has three stages. It is a caterpillar, then a cocoon, then a moth, or a butterfly. Three stages. I feel like this happened to me. It is mind boggling to think the first stage was 26 years, and that the second stage was 30 minutes, and that I am 2 days into the third stage. I have my wings now, in my mind and my heart. and in my hand. My hooks. I can't put em down.
I set out to tell the story of my suspension. I thought once that the physical act of being hooked, tied, hoisted, swung, lowered, de barbed, and sent home shy a few bucks was the experience. The act was the thing. It's not. LIFE IS. the two days of my life after suspension have been more of an experience that any string or steel could ever be. and I know that the rest of my life will continue to be the experience every day. I am changed. I am me. I am now truly Modified.
Not through ink or steel, this is not a physical modification. this is a mental modification, an emotional modification, a spiritual modification. It changed who I am, not how I look. How I think, not how I appear. It added a sparkle to my eye, I treat everyone differently, and view everyone differently. Even me. I feel so much closer to those who have been through it, and even further from those who haven't. Not in a negative way, I just feel more blessed. More fortunate. It used to be a negative rift, I was angry that I was different, and looked down on those unlike me. I felt alone and isolated, and upset for it. I now feel alone, yet not. I feel more at rest with myself, and more comfortable in seclusion, but part of something bigger than me. I always knew others didn't understand me, now I know they never would have, and have almost no chance now. I am beyond what I was. And that much further from their mental grasp and comprehension. But I feel comforted by that. I feel sorry for those different than me, not because I feel I am better than them, or that they deserve or need my pity, I just wish that they could feel like I feel, and I feel sad that most of them wont. In short, I am completely different than I was. And I can't seem to describe that to you, the reader. Especially if you've never dangled.
Emrys called and checked on us all today. His commitment to us is unbelievable. I spoke to him earlier and felt a world better after. all for basically free. It is a non-profit group, using our donations only to buy more supplies for the next changelings. I understand why he does what he does, though I didn't know why he did it before I hung. Now it makes sense, and I am so grateful for him giving me something I never knew I wanted. He is an amazing person, and it feels amazing to be a little more like him now.
I used to think that I was gonna hang to brag, or to prove myself worthy to myself, or just for the fuck of it. I used to think a suspension was just hooks and string and blood and pain. It slowly dawned on me as we all squished around the air bubbles trapped in our back, as I asked my co-hangers for constant updates of how they were, as I tried more and more to explain it to people who weren't there, who will never do it. And as my bruises faded and my stiffness abated and my back began to feel normal again that the more "normal" and back to my old self my body felt, the more my mind was alien and new and exciting and wonderful. My "being" has changed, though my body returns to it's pre-hung self. I understand more the tribal aspect, the purification through pain, the ritualistic rites of passage.
I don't know if I am an "adult" now, but I certainly have crossed a line I never saw or looked for, I have crossed into a new place in my life, mind, and soul. I turned a page, started a new chapter, maybe even a new book. I am forever different, and ecstatic with the change in me. I am brand new. And it's all invisible.
You have to give yourself the opportunity to try it. Go ahead, make all your arguments. Make all the reasons and excuses why you couldn't, or wouldn't, or don't want to. I did the same thing before. I used to think all the things people have asked me since. I used to be just like you. More like you than I ever realized. There is nothing wrong with it. This is not for everyone. But I am so glad it was for me. And I strongly recommend trying it to anyone who was ever interested.
Yeah. It hurts. But the next day, nothing hurts as much as it did before. Nothing is quite as difficult as it was. It is a new life. I will be waiting for anyone to cross over to this side of the fence. The grass IS greener over here. Come check it out.
Me and my hooks need to go to bed now. We need sleep. I hope I didn't bore you too much. It just feels great to put this in print.