My first suicide suspension was the best experience of my life; a serious statement but a very truthful one all the same, and here's how it came to be:
At A Glance Author gwendolen Contact gwendolen@bme.anon IAM Hi-ho When Six months ago Artist a few talented guys Studio a warehouse Location Toronto, Ontario After perusing galleries on BME a while I lost my ingrained automatic reflex to squirm while seeing people hanging from their own flesh, and then I began thinking it might just be interesting to try out. Fast forward a few months and I happened to be corresponding through e-mail to a guy who had recently done his first 4-point suicide suspension, was eager to do another and even lived in my town. We conversed more in person, found that we were compatible and agreed to suspend together. He spoke highly of the guys who had facilitated his hanging (Badur and Phil) and I became equally excited to be in the hands of people who had hooked plenty of others before me. I knew very little about what steps were involved so I asked him every question could think of and as he patiently answered my queries, I began to feel more comfortable with the whole process and knew for a fact I wanted to do it.
After a few more months my friend informed me he had scheduled a suspension date for the next weekend coming up and I was welcome to either watch or participate, and I was certain I was ready to experience it myself. (Background information: at this time in my life I was engaged in a strange predicament of being completely in love but also willingly leaving my partner behind in search of a different lifestyle, which was extremely difficult for me to endure. I sought out strength in any form I could acquire it and desired intense pain to help balance out the mental challenge I was facing. In short, I was prepared to go through hell physically to gain even the slightest bit of clarity mentally.)
I had heard fasting for a day before the suspension date helps to expand the natural elasticity of your skin but I was also nervous I might feel weak or lethargic so I opted to stick to vegetables and fruit instead of not eating at all. I remembered to bring my bathing suit top and favourite CD along and before I knew it I was walking into Badur's place, being introduced to Badur and Phil. We had tea while waiting for the other two guys who were coming with the ropes and belaying gear, which was a pleasant opportunity to settle down and go over what would be coming soon. Both guys were extremely approachable and laid back and made me much more comfortable with being able to trust them with my safety.
Once the ropes were set up I barely had time to stop and think before my friend asked, 'So, gwen, are you gunna go first?', with a twinkle in his eye knowing I was about to do something I would never forget. I breathed in deeply and nodded with a smile, knowing this was really happening.
I laid down on the medical table (same type of small bed they use at doctor's offices) to have the initial marks drawn on me then stood up to have my back thoroughly poked, prodded and pinched to ensure the lines for the holes would be properly placed. This took a few minutes and Phil explained it was usually as uncomfortable as the whole process got, which I barely believed, as I was still expecting excruciating pain once my feet were off the ground.
After Phil was satisfied with the markings I lay back on the table and heard gloves being put on, packages being unwrapped and metal clinking together. I was on the verge of shaking with anticipation, filled with the giddiness of actually going through with something I wasn't sure I'd be able to endure but was damn well going to try. At this point the rest of the people in the room (we totaled 7 altogether) were mingling and such as the ropes had been strung up properly and all that was left to do was the stabbing. Phil crouched down so we were eye-to-eye and asked why I wanted to do this, which served as such a release of tension and boost of confidence as I explained my reasoning and felt extremely sure of myself. A moment later and he asked if I was ready for the hooks, which I managed to squeak out a 'yes' amidst my growing smile.
As two hands grabbed a handful of my back skin and prepared to pierce through it, I tried my best not to tense up and agreed that the poking would commence on my third exhale. And so it was ready to begin...
Breathe in once, breathe out.
Breathe in twice, breathe out...
Breathe in thrice, breathe..
Whew! It was a rush to have two 8g needles shoved through simultaneously but not at all as bad as I had envisioned. I admit, from here on in I began to fall more and more into the depths of my own little world, but I think someone asked if I was okay/if I was ready for the 2nd round and I must've nodded because soon after the last 2 hooks were imbedded in my flesh. I was given a minute or two to settle my nerves and when asked if I needed any more time or was ready to get up I anxiously sprang to my feet as if nothing had even happened.
I looked back and was so overwhelmingly happy to see such sharp, menacing hooks staring back at me and commented that I wished I could have them in all the time (knowing that it's near impossible to heal them, much to my chagrin). After prancing around and looking in the mirror at my new piercings I was directed to where the ropes were rigged up and felt myself being hooked in place. There was a bit of tugging involved to be certain the tension was even, which caused me some uncomfortable but nothing overly noteworthy. I noticed my skin was being pulled up slightly but it wasn't inflicting any pain yet.
As the professionals agreed I was safe to suspend, Phil came around to the front of me and asked how I was doing (all I remember is smiling, although I'm sure I gave a vocal answer). He put out his hands and told me to hold on to him, as we were going to take a walk. First we walked forward a few steps (which procured no sensation), then we walked backwards a few more steps with Phil pushing on my hands to go a foot or so past where I normally would've. (at this point I could feel the hooks were noticeable). We stopped in the middle a second and Phil said we were going to do the same thing only faster, to which I eagerly nodded. Again, a few steps forward, but this time at a quicker pace, and then Phil guided me back just as quickly by pushing on my hands, and all it took was that momentum before I realized my feet were no longer touching ground!
It's hard to explain but the second my back was holding up all my weight, I seemed to enter entirely into my own reality and my normal perceptions all became askew. Time lost it's meaning, my senses all went aflutter and all I could do was yelp 'oh my god, I'm actually up!'. The whole room was watching me at this point of course, and yet I barely acknowledged their presence I was so enrapt by the moment. Phil told me to relax and roll my shoulders around to let the hooks sink in which I dutifully did, my nerves on an overload of sensation to the point I couldn't tell you if it hurt or not. After that, my back felt completely numb and I was as free as a bird.
For the next 1/2 hour (maybe more, maybe less; time seemed to change) I had the most fun I've ever had in my life, hands down. I learned how to sway my body to spin faster and pushed off my friend's shoulders and hands to gain more speed, tucking my legs to my chest to form a ball which sent me spinning in circles, which was exactly like being a kid on a tire swing. That's the best way I can explain how I felt; being a kid in a world where everything is wonderful and inspiring and positive and wholesome and loving. My misanthropic tendencies faded and all I wanted to do was hug everyone I saw. It was like a thousand orgasms and a thousand hits of ecstasy all exploding in my brain and body at the same time and being able to comprehend it. Talk about heaven on Earth!
After giggling about and swinging around for a time, I heard my friend ask if I was going to pick him up, to which I acquiesced without caring what it might do to my pain receptors (maybe this would wake them from their slumber?!) and soon enough he was holding on to my shoulders and wrapping his legs around mine. I've never felt so close to someone like that before; to be sharing all the rush of feelings was amazing and although I could feel my back being pulled on, it still didn't hurt.
He climbed down after a minute or 2 and I continued swinging around, until I began to sense I was closing in on my peak of happiness and decided to come down before the natural high declined. I think a pair of hands helped me slowly touch ground (and when the floor was getting closer I felt like running away from it, as if I could keep on flying forever), and once my feet were firmly planted I could barely stay still long enough for them to cut me loose. I was a butterfly ready to flutter around, taking in my surroundings like water to a dehydrated mouth. Again, I wanted to kiss everyone and radiate all the happiness that existed within me.
After bouncing around for a little while and hugging nearly everyone, I was laid down on the doctor's bed to have the air and blood squeezed out of me. I was way off in my own world and barely noticed what was going on until I was bandaged up. For the next hour, while my friend prepared to hang, I was under the influence of the best natural high and only after a good 2 hours had passed did I begin to sort of mellow out.
As for the recuperation, my back was tender on the bus ride back home and continued to be for the next day or two. I slept on my stomach for a week or so and was amusingly grossed out every time I squeezed my neck and heard that famous crackling sound of air squishing about. For that same week I felt more strong, independent and fearlessly capable of anything than I ever had before, and was able to tackle the challenges that faced me with ease.
Scabs formed and the bruises faded after about a week and a half, and now (7 months later) there are 8 tiny dots marking my shoulder blades where my wings once were. I still can't come close to giving any idea to why hanging from your own skin can produce such a positive mental stimulation, but suspensions seem like the world's best kept secret available to those who aren't afraid to test their limits.
It may go without saying, but I highly recommend a suicide suspension to anyone who is interested in it. Best $100 I've spent for a whole new meaning to the term 'hanging out'.