Before I start, I need to warn readers that I do not condone these activities for others, mostly because the medical community in general doesnt understand the psychological forces involved, and anyone who had experiences such as this one risks getting institutionalized. Additionally, I don't believe that cutting is a 'cure' for depression, so anyone suffering from these urges should seek professional help.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact anonymous@bme.anon When A week ago To begin with, I have dealt with depression for years. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year, and he tried to put me on medication... which I hated to I never took it. I suppose I have always been interested in body modification for years, but I never seriously considered attempting it, probably because my family has never taken very kindly to the idea.
Because I had not yet discovered a healthy outlet for my feelings like body modification, and I refused to pollute my body with medications, I found a different way to cut that is sadly too common- cutting. It is impossibly to describe the sensations associated with cutting... The inexplicable drive to cut into your own flesh, the nagging thoughts of where the razor blades are stashed, where a safe and quite place to do it can be found... and the sweet release of cold steel slicing through skin, blood trickling down my arm, the taste of it in my mouth.
I eventually was able to work through many of my problems with the help of a different therapist that didn't solve problems by shoving shit down my throat. As a more positive outlet I turned to modification, and my first mod was a frenum piercing that I got done on my 18th birthday. I have also gotten 2 cartilage piercings. All of them have made me extremely happy, and I plan on many, many more in the future.
Even with this positive and uplifting practice at my disposal, the idea of cutting has never left my mind... but in trying to work through my problems, I decided that it was time to turn it into a positive and life-affirming experience. I also have a long-standing interest in sexual magick and the energies associated with it, both spiritual and psychological. The connection between these two was obvious for me, because I have always found modifications, especially heavy stuff like cutting and branding, to be highly erotic. Because many of my problems have to do with being unhappy with my own body, I came up with the perfect solution.
On the night that I decided to go through with my plan I prepared a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a box of razor blades. I wiped down the blades and my thighs and pelvic area to stay sanitary, then gripped one of the blades. I felt a rush of excitement and pleasure as I made the first of several "warm-up" scratches into my left thigh, not very deep, but enough to draw some blood. I was immediately aroused and my cock began to swell. I wiped my fingers across the blood that was beading on my leg and wiped it on my now rock-hard dick. I was immediately satisfied with the look of my cock streaked with blood, so I set about my next task. Using the corner of the razor blade, I slowly scratched the word "free" into my left thigh by repeatedly scratching each line of each letter, reveling in the feel of the blade through my skin, the sight of blood rising to the surface... I had finally drawn enough blood to bring my ritual to a climax. I wiped my hand across my new bloody mark of pride and brought my hand to my throbbing cock. I began to stoke myself, my pleasure being enhanced both by my frenum piercing (by far my favorite), and by the knowledge that I was jacking off with my own blood. Unfortunately it began to get sticky in my hand, but I knew I wouldn't need much longer, so I wiped my hand across my leg again to get some fresh blood, then continued to beat off... it probably took me about a minute total to cum. At this point I was still so turned on that I beat off a second time immediately after with the messy mixture of blood and cum.
I then stepped into the shower and began to wash off the blood and sweat and cum from my body. As all my bodily fluids began rinsing away, I felt all my negativity and unhappiness wash down the drain with them. The ritual was definitely the most intense erotic experience of my life, and I had the wonderful opportunity to also make it the most powerful and positive spiritual and psychological event I've ever experienced.
After my ritual, I felt totally changed. I had so much more confidence in myself- its hard to describe. Something about pushing my limits and taking control of my body has given me a grip on my life...
I hope to go the word carved into my leg- "free"- scars, because I am more proud of those cuts than any other mod of mine.