I have been planning a suicide suspension for the last few months, to celebrate my 21st birthday (less than two months away). I cannot think of a more ideal way to mark my entry into 'adulthood': it something I've been interested in for a long while, and am doing purely for myself and because I feel ready. My piercer/tattoo artist, who also operates the Sacred Souls suspension group (yes, he's a talented man), happily agreed to suspend me. Suspensions are still very rare here in South Africa, even though tattoos and piercings are becoming increasingly popular. He was especially thrilled to have a girl wanting to suspend; and one that had done her research at that. Still, he wanted me to do a flesh pull or "energy pull" a few weeks before the planned suspension, just so that I could get a feel for the hooks. That is exactly what I did last Friday.
At A Glance Author Annie Contact Annie@bme.anon IAM PrettyHateMachine When A week ago Artist Marius Studio Dragon's Location South Africa
Now, before I get into the actual experience, it's important that I mention my love/hate relationship with my body and how that influences me and the decisions I make. Although generally comfortable in my own skin, I have been suffering from recurring stomach problems for a few years. At times I hardly notice it, yet there are other times when I can hardly move for the cramps and I'm convinced that my own body is trying to destroy me. Countless visits to various doctors proved fruitless, but over time I have learned to deal with it.
A few weeks ago a new complication arose. My stomach pain was more severe than usual and keeping me up at night. A gastroscopy revealed that I have several stomach ulcers and that my small intestine is not functioning properly. I had to drastically change my diet and my lifestyle, and naturally, I was very miserable about it. My tenuous acceptance of my body was suddenly beyond fragile.
However, I refused to let this get in the way of my plans. I scheduled my flesh pull, despite some concern that I should not place any more pressure on my body. If anything, I became more stubborn about wanting to do it; clichéd as it sounds, I really feel the need to reclaim my body and get beyond this physical frustration. So, the flesh pull went ahead as planned (as will my suspension).
On Friday I arrived at Dragon's studio at 18:30. I asked a friend to drive me there: he was ordained official driver and photographer of the evening. Marius greeted us at the door and let us in. We sat in the reception room chatting, while we waited for Vicky to arrive. My heart was already racing: although I didn't feel nervous, adrenaline told my body otherwise. I tried to distract myself, looking at the jewelry displays and pacing the floor.
A few minutes later Vicky arrived, and well all went through to the piercing room. Although it is a room that has become so familiar to me, I still felt the same excited apprehension as I did the first time I stepped through the door. The necessary equipment had all been laid out before our arrival, seeing as the studio had been closed for an hour, giving Marius ample time to do it. He instructed me to take off my sweatshirt and to lie on the bed. I had made sure to wear a boob tube underneath, in preparation for having hooks stabbed through the upper part of my back. I acquiesced, jabbering nervously all the while.
Once I was laying down, flat on my stomach and with my head resting on my arms, Marius pulled on his gloves and started drawing placement lines on my back with a sharpie marker. Not being able to see what was going on, I spent that time focusing on trying to regulate my breathing to prepare for the piercing. Once he was happy with his markings, Marius clamped the left side. I usually find clamps horribly uncomfortable, but because it was such a large amount of flesh, compared with the tiny bit that is clamped during a piercing, I hardly noticed it. Clamps in place, Marius opened the first of the sealed needles (I don't recall if it was 10g or 8g). Vicky, who was standing in the corner, smiled and warned me that this was probably going to hurt. My friend, the cameraman was silent and out of sight. I smiled back, and said that I didn't mind pain one bit.
"Now take a deep breath in and let it out slowly." I had heard these words often enough to know what it meant, and made sure that I filled my lungs. I held my breath for a split second until I felt the needle puncture my skin, and then I slowly started to let it out; making sure not to let the pain surprise it all out at once. That is, if you can call it pain. What I felt was more like immense pressure. There was a sharper pain, as I felt the needle exit, but otherwise it was definitely bearable. Marius quickly followed through with the 8g hook: not a comfortable feeling, but certainly less painful than most of my piercings. The right side was pretty much a repeat of the left, albeit a little more intense, as the second side always tends to be.
Hooks in place, I gingerly sat up, smiled (maniacally I'm sure) and assured everyone in the room that I was fine and ready to get pulling. I sat on my knees on the bed, facing away from all the others as Marius secured the eye-catching yellow and orange rope to the hooks. Just the slight tugging as he secured the rope in place felt very strange to me, but I was not at all deterred. He stood back, behind me and holding onto the rope, and told me to start leaning forward very slowly. So I did, and I would be lying if I said that at first I didn't find the feeling quite bizarre. Rather than feeling like my skin was stretching, I felt like there was a lot of pressure on my back. Almost like someone was pushing down on it. Being the first time I had ever done anything like this, I was a little tense and found it difficult to just rest my body weight on the hooks.
After a while, I slowly sat up, deciding to take a break for a few minutes before I started pulling again. It was at this point that my friend – the guy taking the photos – fainted. He later told me that the sight of my skin going back into place, after having been so stretched out, was just too much for him. Of course, we all fussed over him, almost forgetting that I had a couple of giant hooks in my back. He recovered quickly though and sat on the floor with his head between his legs for the remainder of my pull.
The calm restored and the sounds of Joy Division playing in the background, I was ready to start pulling again. This time, being prepared for that strange pressurised feeling and having assured my irrational mind that there was no way my flesh would rip, it was much easier. I leaned forward and felt myself going further forward with each breath. Marius and Vicky were very encouraging and kept telling me how well I was doing, which was really great. I forgot all about my back and all about the other people and I felt amazing. I don't know how long I stayed that way, but I know that when I sat up I was very happy indeed.
We decided to call it a night and Marius set to work removing the hooks from my back. I hardly even felt that. He cleaned up a few drops of blood and then put some bandage over the wounds. He told me to leave that in place for two hours and then to clean the holes with sea salt solution. Admittedly, the muscles in my back felt very tense afterwards, but I loved the feeling because it served as a reminder of what I had just done.
Cleaned up and bundled back into my winter clothing, I spent the next while at the studio, just gushing about what a fantastic experience my pull had been and how I was really looking forward to my suspension. More than ever, that is. After that I went home feeling superhuman. And I felt that way for days (regardless of the sore back).
Now, you probably want to know what on earth this has to do with my stomach. Well, that still has a mind of its own, although it has been quite well-behaved since my pull. Coincidence? Who knows? I'm not saying that a flesh-pull cured me, but the important thing is that it made me realise that my body is not my enemy. A challenge at times, but that I can certainly deal with Yes, there will be times when it disappoints me and gets me down, but there are also times that my body delights me and makes me feel incredible. My physical highs and lows may be a little more extreme than other people's, but at least I feel balanced.