Everyday I glance down at my scar filled limbs and wonder if what I am doing is an art or a problem. Am I doing something wrong? Or am I just one of many that honestly believe what I am doing is ok?
At A Glance Author Jen Contact Jen@bme.anon When N/A Artist Myself Studio Anywhere Location Deltona, Florida
My name is Jen. I have been cutting for about 6 years. Cutting to me has always been a release in a sick way. I would sit there and scratch at my arms and watch the blood flow down and drip to the floor. I never noticed doing this until afterwards. I loved it. The feeling of my flesh being tore open by my own nails was like ecstacy. Eventually I would start to scratch at myself with safety pins. Watching the sharp pin graze across my skin leaving beautiful beaded red lines. Razors, of course, ended up being my top choice in self mutilation. Never once did I think what I was doing was wrong. I still do not think it is wrong.
I have always had a need to feel pain. To be reminded I am still alive. The feeling of being dead inside was and still is unbearable. Seeing the little lines of crimson is a reminder that through all the uncontrollable pain I go through I still have control of one kind of pain. The pain that the shiny, silver blade of a fresh bought razor brings to me. Some say that is sick. Others may say it is beautiful. In my eyes, it is both.
Never have I once thought that what I was doing was wrong until people would see them and tell me I shouldn't do that because it is wrong. Who are they to say what is right and wrong? Who gave them the right to make those decisions? No one truly understands why a person cuts themselves so what gives them the right to assume they do? I have many reasons for doing what is so frowned upon to myself. Abuse, suffering, need for pain, pleasure. All are reasons for my mutilation. But in the end what I am doing is still wrong. But yet it is ok for someone to be put on drugs to fix their problems.
In my opinion, cutting can be so beautiful. The designs you can create are so intricate and perplex. Yet it is still considered a problem in society's eyes. Why can't it be an art? Piercings and tattoos are considered an art. Why can't cutting? Is it because it is the act of taking sharp objects and opening the flesh to reveal a crimson river flowing down one's skin?
The act of cutting can be so peaceful. Setting up a bath surrounded by candles with music playing and your favorite blade by your side is truly sedating. Watching the clear water form to red is an experience only one can enjoy. The whole world disappears and it is just you in perfect bliss. No one can tell you that you are wrong. It is only you and the sound of music playing. Utter happiness sets and you are truly at peace. All because of a few slits in your skin bleeding into the water. Yet people still sit there and tell me I shouldn't do it.
Yes I will admit I have regretted cutting. Knowing how much pain it could cause my mother kills me everytime I see the scars but that also gives me a reason to cut more. As if I am punishing myself for ever starting in the first place. It has limited me to not be able to wear sleeveless shirts or shorts which does serve as a problem considering I live in Florida. But in the end I still believe that cutting is beautiful.
The only time to me where cutting is a problem is if someone wants to end their life. Life is temporary and shouldn't be taken advantage of. When someone is suicidal cutting can end up being a horrible problem. The cuts always end up being ugly and full of hatred instead of a beautiful slice. Scars are a constant reminder of one's life and the scars from suicidal cuttings are never a good reminder. One day someone could slip while cutting and end it all. That is when cutting is a problem.
To me there is nothing wrong with cutting yourself. As long as you still value life and the beauty it brings it is nothing but an act of feeling your body release pain. No one should be able to tell you what is right and wrong in life. Cutting is perfectly fine as long as you are careful. Yes it can lead to problems but in the end it just leaves scars to remind you of a period of time in your life. This whole experience is in my opinion so I assure you I could be wrong. Don't copy anything I say in here for no matter what cutting in still frowned upon by society. So I leave you with a thought..Is cutting and art or a problem?