At A Glance
Author	Caged Crow
Contact	Caged Crow@bme.anon
IAM	Caged Crow
When	A month ago
Artist	IAM Serenity
Location	Southport UK

The build up

So much to think about, I have finally decided that I'm ready for a suspension.I have spoken to Alex (IAM Serenity) about it and its looking like he's arranging something for sometime in February.Its the 16th of January now so not long to go. I've been questioning myself asking myself is this what I really want to do, and what are my reasons for it. I've always considered myself a weak person. I rarely stand up for myself and I tend to crumble when things get difficult. However I think back to things I have had to cope with in the past and I think maybe I'm not all that weak. I've managed to drag myself back from the brink many times and made myself a life and a future to look forward to.

I think sometimes I need reminding that I can deal with life and this usually manifests itself with a need to cope with physical pain. In the last few months I have had to come to terms with some things from my past and I finally feel that I need this as I way to prove to myself that I'm better that that. That all those people who hurt me (very often physically) mean nothing now and that I can move on. Some days I want to round up the people who told be I was worthless, useless not good enough and invite them to show them that they haven't won that I have beaten them.

I will admit I'm scared, people keep asking me what I want to do who I want to be there, what roles I want people to take music etc. and to be honest just right now I really don't know. I have a few special people I want to be there and of course some that need to be there i.e. the piercer. It takes up my thoughts on a regular basis. this may sound strange but I worry people will get bored if I take too long to go up and yet for once I want to go at my own pace. Give so much of myself to others (totally willingly) On that day in February I'm going to be selfish its going to be about me for those few moments I will be thinking only of myself.

I have mentioned my plans to very few people, mainly because I can do without the pressure. I have mentioned it to IAM bear my mate and Spacy who got all excited telling me how special it would be and of course Alex. Everyone has offered me advice verging on counselling. I have never done such a private thing in public before even the pull I did in October was limited to me and the person I was pulling from.

I have decided to do a superman suspension mainly because I have a big back piece and I don't want any scars ruining it. The thought of having needles and hooks put through my legs does make me cringe slightly but if I don't try I will never know.

The date is set.

Ekk, Looks like the date has been set for March 1st. It mean I'll will have to get myself through February which is always a hard month for me. I've gone all cold knowing that things are being finalised now and it is going to happen. I just hope bear and spacy can make it now as they are very busy at the minute. Excited and nervous I feel all goosepimply on my arms and tingly. Alex has organised this mini suspension meet which is good as ito be a small event and chosen the date so that I can make it,this means I can't talk myself out of it as it would be letting Alex down, but even worse I would be letting myself down.

I'm going to be counting the days down now, building myself up and probably panicking like mad.

After the event

Wow I did it, I actually did it. bear couldn't make it because of work but I had some very special people around me who made me feel so nice.

I managed to do a 12point superman. I was worried about the many needles this would involve but it wasn't all that bad.

I got changed into a pair of black shorts and a little fluffy bikini top. Roo and Memma decided to share the love and everyone wore little heart stickers as bindis on our foreheads to make everyone feel special.

Alex marked me up working around my tattoos some actually going under the ink. He pinched my skin and drew on me until he was happy and then it was decided that 3 people would pierce me at any one time. Roo, Spacy and Alex (Serenity) washed and gloved up as I shivered part with cold and part with fear.

The piercings were intense, 3 people sticking 3.2mm needles in you at the same time stings somewhat, but not half as bad as I had built them up to be. The ones in my shoulders and my thighs were probably the worst my right thigh in particular caused no end of bother through the whole process. Alex had to push really hard to get the needles through the marks on my shoulder and I think I had to push against him at one point to help him getting get it through. At one point there was some confusion between the 3 piercers as to when they were piercing and so one of the needles in my calf took a while to get through as 2 people started piercing and then realised Alex hadn't started so they stopped. This did lead me to screech slightly as the legs piercings did hurt the most and I just wanted them over with.

I needed a short break after being pierced my head needed time to come around to the fact I had 12 big hooks in my body. I walked around for a bit careful not to knock any of the hooks on anything. It was at this point I realised I needed the toilet but I think that would have been a logistical nightmare and so I waited. My main worry was I hadn't had all that much to eat what with getting in to town early to pick people up and trains being all wonky we had arrived late at Alexs. I drank lots of sugary pop and ate nice strawberries though and then I felt ready to rock and roll.

I had to change my top before I went up though as the strings from the bikini top I was going to wear kept getting caught up in the hooks so I changed into a boobtube top made from black bondage tape being wound around my chest tightly.

I then hopped back on to the table (carefully so as not to knock the hooks,sometimes being an ex dancer has its advantages) to get rigged up. This took quite sometime as my right thigh was still really really painful as they massaged technicare in to it. The rigging was organised to reduce the tension on this.

It was then time. Roo did my ropes and when I gave the word gently pulled me up the slightest little bit. After some more rearranging of the rigging I was pulled up a little more, stopping to let my body get used to the extra tension on it. My legs were the first part to come of the table and I had the most extraordinary tingly sensation. I had already done a pull about 5 months before hand but this was different, but still not unpleasant. In little bit I asked Roo to pull me up asking him to stop when the tension got too much so I could get used to the sensation. My lower body followed not long after and I could feel as slowly but surely my body weight was moving backwards.

My biggest struggle was taking my arms up off the table even though I knew they were not talking any of my weight, psychologically I felt I would fall without the table to hold on to. Roo asked if I wanted him to move the table but I wasn't ready for that yet. I still needed the security it gave me. I asked Spacy to put her arms out and held on to her hands putting all my weight on to her. Gradually letting go first with one hand and then the other. The tension in my shoulder was very tight and I felt a little lost with nowhere to put my hands. I had them hanging down for the most part as putting them anywhere else just felt a little silly

One I had gotten used to being up in the air I started swinging my self forwards and back this seemed to relieve some of the stress and helped me relax. Laughing seems to really pull on my hooks so although I wanted to giggle I found I couldn't.

I asked for the table to be moved and only then did I really appreciate that I was swinging roughly 5/6 foot up in the air. I started swinging myself a little more with my eye closed just away in my own little world my mind a blank and my arms hanging down towards the floor. I got cold so Spacy lent me her coat to put over my arms and when I put the hood up over my face I could block out all the noise and light and just be quiet and still. My legs were higher than my head so I could play opening and shutting my legs to move myself around and at one point using my arms as flippers spinning myself around a and worrying Roo as I twisted the ropes around. I found it difficult to put my arms in front of me in the atypical superman style but putting them out to the side felt nice. In true British style I even managed to have a cup of tea with the use of a straw and Spacy holding the cup for me.

I played like that for about 25minutes or so and then my muscles really started to ache so I asked to come back down. As I was lowered down my body felt like it was being sucked in to the earth and so very heavy. Alex and Memma removed my hooks being careful with the right thigh again which had gone ultra sensitive and massaged all the nasty air bubbles out. I couldn't see and the camera had been put down somewhere in amongst the clutter, but apparently some bled quite nicely and again the right tight hurt the most. I waited a while until it looked like most of the holes had started clotting and then I went off for a shower cleaning the hole with an antibacterial wash. I had expected the holes to sting as the water and soap hit them and was a little disappointed when they didn't.

My head felt a little funny like all my thought had just vanished and as soon as one came in to my head it disappeared before I had chance to grab it. Once out of the shower I was a little confused by the all the noise and the talking but I flitter around in a little dream world. My body ached and I could feel when ever I bent down our twisted. At times it felt as if one of the holes was bleeding but it was just my imagination. I hovered around for a wee while watching Memma and Roo doing a chest pull but it all felt a bit too much for my head to take in and I really just wanted to be alone and quiet. A couple of hours later I made my good byes and drove the 40minutes home. The piercing on my calves were on just the right level to rest on the drivers seat making changing gear quite painful, and this seemed to continue for about 2 weeks afterwards.

And here I am sat at home wrapped in my orange fleecy blanket feeling all safe and warm. My body aches particularly my waist and lower back as I think they were taking most of my weight, but nothing major just as if I have had a session in the gym.

People keep asking how I feel and to be honest I really don't know I feel as if I'm stoned. It feels as if I'm in that nice place between asleep and awake where you feel at your most comfortable. I feel tired and bouncy all at the same time. And my piercing holes are smarting slightly making their presence known. I feel as if I need to cry but I'm too happy for that. I feel as if I need a hug, but that must wait until tomorrow. Maybe a night's sleep will help me get my head in order.

A month later

It all feels like it has been a bit of a dream, I keep having to look at the photographs to prove to myself that it did actually happen. I scars have faded nicely and I'm left with pale pink slightly raised marks on my legs. I feel as if I can maybe start again and all the bad things that have happened in the past are just that in the past. I'm not sure if it is anything I would do again but I'm glad I have had the experience and who knows what the future holds.