This experience is about ritual. It may be triggering for some who are trying not to do this behavior. Please don't read this if you are trying not to stop doing this or any other behavior which could be considered "self-harm". This is about my personal experience. I do not recommend this to anyone. It can be dangerous. Don't try this, but if you do please be sterile and safe.
At A Glance Author Melissa Contact wast3dyouthxxo@aol.com When A month ago Artist Myself Studio My bedroom Location Baltimore,Maryland First I will give some background information about me and what I truely feel about cutting and self mutilation. I first got my ears peirced about 7 years ago and I have 6 holes in each ear and my belly button. As a child my "Father" abused me and I was raped when I was 11.
About 8 months ago I started cutting because emotional pain kept entering my life and the only way that I could get rid of it was to cut. I first heard of cutting when I watched the movie "Thirteen" and the blonde chick in that movie had seemed satisfied after she cut herself, even though she had way more issues than me in my opinion. Though, I've had an very tramatic childhood. Usually when I mutilate my body I peirce myself,cut,burn myself with lighters and horrid things like that. Most of the time when I harm my body its because of boerdem, or for emotional problems.
Most of my friends don't cut because they think its disgusting for some reason. I think its beautiful how people have the power to improve they're selves and improve they're image's. I unforunatly have tried to stop in the past but it doesn't work, I belive cutting is addicting.
****Back to my experience, I started our cutting thin, shallow lines with safety pins. Then I quit for the summer so I could wear bathing suits. This whole school year I have worn long sleeve clothing because in September I carved the word "love" into my skin with lines under it. That was the first time i had ever cut with an single razor blade. I loved it and I quickly became addicted to cutting. Every time I cut it seemed to get worse and worse until I could finally realize I had a problem
Then about three weeks ago, I cut all over my arm, a couple crosses(Which is odd because I don't believe in God!!),lines,overlapping lines,short phrases, and things like that. I love to feel the burning sensation and I love watching myself bleed. I think it's awsome when you put youself through something and get life experiences from it. I'm so greatful that I didn't hit a vein because then I would have much more problem's today. At first when I did the first cross, I thought I hit a vein because it must have bled intensly for about twenty minutes and I got very scared for my life.
But unfortunatly my Mother found out and immediatly took me to the emergency room. They kept me there for 2 days and then sent me in an ambulance over to Sheppad Pratt.(a mental instatute.) There I stayed for a week and they put me on 2 more medications.(before I was only on one) I had to attend group meetings, staff talks, and stupid things like that. They watched you while you ate,went to the bathroom and practically when you slept. They had you accounted for and did room checks every 20 minutes. And, when I arrived there they first checked my arms and accouted for every birthmrk,scar and bruise on my skin. Then they searched my clothes and strip searched me. I felt so uncomfterable and akward there!
I haven't been there in a month and I don't plan on returning, but I do plan on cutting some more because thats the only way I personally can relieve stress. But for 21 days today, I've been cut-free. I really am sort of scared now to cut because if my Mother finds out again then I'm sure that she'll take my ass right back to the fucking hospital. But truely I know that I have a problem with inguring myself.
I finally admitted my problem when I got with my boyfriend Corey, he made me realize that there are so many things to live for,and just because I cut doesn't mean I want to kill myself.
I personally don't recommend cutting for the hell of it, but if you cut because you have emotional and family issues then I think it's okay because your relieving you stress and not doing something more serious, like drugs,selling your body,etc. I know some people who mutilate themselves for fun and they're so stupid. If I had a couple reasons not to cut I wouldn't even think about it anymore. But, basically cutting is the only thing that ever goes into my head.