Ever since I witnessed flesh pulling at IAMSpacys house in about May time I had considered it something I may want to do, but I have always been one that will wait until the right time and place comes about and if it doesn't then I don't do it. I wanted that connection with the person I was pulling from and above all I needed to trust the person I was connected to that they wouldn't push me too hard and hurt me beyond my limits. Trust is not something that comes naturally to me after being bashed about by life in recent years so it would take someone special for me to be able to pull from.
At A Glance Author Kaz Contact Kaz@bme.anon IAM Caged Crow When A week ago Artist Allan Brown IAM bear I have been growing a lot in the last few months becoming stronger within myself emotionally and I felt better equipped to cope with the world. I have also recently taken to play piercing myself as a mean to push my body further and take back some of the control that was taken away from me in the past. A chest pull seemed the next logical step to take.
I had discussed my desire to do a chest pull with my good friend Allan/IAM bear a few months ago and he had offered to be my pulling partner, as someone I trust I knew he would not push me too hard and would let me go at my own pace. We discussed my ideas for a very private and quiet pull. The other pulls I had witnessed had been quite public and full of laughter and giggles, which just wasn't the atmosphere, I wanted. Although at the time I didn't feel particularly ready to pull it was just an area I wanted to explore. No time frame was given and it was a case of when I was ready. With my birthday approaching I broached the subject with Allan again saying if he was willing I would like to pull some time soon.
The weekend after my 22nd birthday lot of IAM fun was had and I had possibly one of the best birthdays ever I was relaxed and feeling very much at one with the whole world and myself. I had been promised a surprise once Allan and myself were alone which had me wondering. On the Sunday afternoon Allan mentioned to me that my surprise if I was ready would be to do my pull that day. I have to admit my heart did flutter, its one thing saying but quite another thing doing it but I knew I was ready and there would be no better time than then and with him. It would be the perfect way to end the weekend.
I was very tired after a busy Saturday running around the fairground so I asked to have nap first. We bonded curling up on the sofa for a quick nap and a couple of hours later Allan took my hand and led me into his bedroom. He had moved the bed up onto its side to clean his floor but this also had the added bonus in that it allowed us plenty of room to pull. Allan asked me if I was ready and if this was what I really wanted, no rush for anything. I nodded slightly apprehensive as I had just seen the 3.2mm needles he was going to pierce me and I have to admit they looked enormous.
One of the reasons I think I wanted to have a private pull is that I'm such a private person I hardly ever show people my vulnerability and negative emotions but Allan has witnessed a great deal of my evolution in the last few months and I knew I was safe with him. I knew that if ever it got too much and I needed a break he would think no less of me for it, and that he knew how far to push me.
The piercing was pretty straightforward, deep breathe in and there it was in my chest. I won't lie it hurt but nowhere near as much as I would have expected for a needle that looked so big. I would say it hurt more when I had my nose pierced with a gun. After the first needle was through Allan asked me if I was ok, I nodded I think I may have grimaced as the second needles went through and the skin felt very tender as Allan's fingers brushed over removing a nice piece of fat that had been forced out with the needle. I was amazed when I looked down to see 2 3.2mm needles in my chest.
I then assisted Allan to pierce himself mainly by just holding the skin taunt as the needle tented out. We had no taper to stretch the holes up to 4mm for the hooks so Allan ever the inventive tied small amounts of thin rope around the needle which did hurt as the area was so sensitive and tender and then attached the rope to the rope hook he had created. Using a 10mm segment ring to join my ropes with his.
Allan had lit candles beforehand to create a very calming atmosphere and I could here the music coming from the living room. Allan let me go at my own pace leaning back very carefully at first. Allan let me pull from him. Sensing my apprehension he pulled very carefully from me, encouraging me to go that little bit further. At times it would hurt and I had to stop pulling just letting my body adjust before I went further, becoming very aware of my breathing.
I had my eyes closed most of the time just letting my body go with the flow and my mind wander although I was constantly aware of Allan's presence and could sense him near me. I kept taking sneaky peeks at him when he wasn't looking, seeing him so at ease with everything.
The most moving part has to be when we just sat and looked each other in the eye for a time just absorbed in each other and understanding the trust between us. I felt released and just generally peaceful watching the flames dance about on the candles the world just disappeared. All that existed was in that room.
At one point I got the most tremendous feeling in my chest, the only way to describe it would be really bad pins and needles but a few deep breaths and pulling further back seemed to solve this.
I have no idea how long we stayed like that attached with needles and ropes but I could have stayed like that for hours pushing myself further. Allan knowing me as well as he does realised this and moved forward releasing the tension in the rope. I sat up on my haunches and Allan removed my needles letting the rope fall to the floor. The blood flowed freely down my chest. I then attempted to remove Allan's needles although sweaty hands combined with rhino hide skin probably meant it hurt him more than it should but he never complained and didn't even bleed.
We shared a hug and some time relaxing and unwinding. I spent the rest of the day processing the information. It took quite sometime for the holes to clot as every time I move it seemed to make them bleed again, although after a time they did clot and stay clotted. Over the course of the next few days I had some lovely bruising develop over my left breast, it would seem from where the skin was separated, although this wasn't painful it just looked a mess.
I had many opportunities to pull before this event but I'm glad I waited until the time seemed just right for me to take myself further and to have that connection to someone I care about dearly, someone who understood exactly what I wanted and needed from the experience. I look forward to a time I can pull again and push myself that little bit further safe in the knowledge that I can cope.