I have large breasts. Large almost doesn't describe it well enough. Massive, perhaps? Gigantic? I'll settle for "too fucking big."
At A Glance Author Sarah Contact Sarah@bme.anon IAM arpeggiated When A month ago Artist Myself Studio My room Location Hanford, CA, USA I am seventeen years old, and I have 36DDD breasts. I have since I was 14 years old.
I've always wanted a breast reduction, but it seemed like it would be a "maybe someday" type of thing. You know, after I've 'grown up,' got married, had a job, had kids. This winter, I decided that "someday" needed to come damn soon. I was having headaches, backaches, neck aches, and just a general sense of blah. So I spoke with my primary care physician, and he contacted an excellent plastic surgeon that is both in my area and covered in my insurance plan. So it's a green light, come February, God willing.
Ever since I got that referral, I've been waiting for them to come off. Sometimes I look down and I'm disheartened that I have to wait until February for the consultation, but other times I look down and just get so giddy at the fact that I'll have a normal chest!
While at the doctor's a few appointments ago, I filched some 20 guage needles, some 19 guage filter needles from the cabinet. Along with some number 10 scalpels and steri-strips. That's what they get for making me wait over an hour in the examination room. I also got some iodine swabs from my job (I lifeguard at the city pool). I stored all of this in a little box under my bed, waiting for the right time.
In the last few weeks, I hadn't been taking my medicine (Zoloft, 100 mg a day) very regularly, and I was feeling the effects – complete depression, and an urge for self destruction. So I decided to play in my magic box.
I have many veins in my breasts, as well as just huge ones. I took a 20 guage needle, and slid it into my breast, and into a vein. I looked away for a bit, looking at the play piercing section here at BME, and nearly forgot that the needle was in me — 20 guage is almost too small to feel anyway.
When I turned back to my breast, the luer lock was starting to fill up with blood. It was around ¾ full. I slid the needle out, and watched the blood drip back through the needle, and fall onto my skin in perfect sized droplets. It was wonderful to watch, to see my life force drip into those little circles on my body. I was thoroughly entranced, wanting to see more blood dripping out of the needle. I knew that the point of needles was to put things INTO your body, but I had forgotten that it would work both ways, and things would come OUT as well.
So I got a 19 guage needle, figuring if I had a larger needle, I would get more blood. I took the needle out of its sealed package, and removed the shield. I poked it into the same hole that the 20 guage needle was in. However, no blood came out this time. I don't know if it was because I had already started to clot, if it was because the needle was longer, or if it was because of the filter on the needle (looks like a small piece of paper between the needle and the luer lock). So I tried poking into another vein, and another, and another. But none of the veins would bleed enough to fill up the luer lock again.
So I got the 20 gauge needle back out and tried again. Still, no blood would fill up the lock. I was getting annoyed, because I wanted to see my blood out of my body again, in a healthier way than cutting on my wrists. Finally, I gave up, and put my tools away and went to bed and to sleep.
I made a little note about my blood play on my IAM page, and unfortunately, my best friend saw. She was disappointed, at best. The only good thing she had to say was, "At least you used sterile needles." She also said, "Don't fuck around with your boobs, Sarah, or the doctor's going to think there's something wrong with you, and he won't do the surgery on you." Which is probably true.
In addition to the depression, I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder. One of my compulsions is to pick at scabs. I've picked at the scabs on my breasts so much that they have gone from a 19 guage pinprick to a scab the size of a 6 gauge plug. This is great for scarifications, but not so great for healing wounds. However, taking control of my body like this has led me to a greater acceptance of myself. And that's what's important.