Recently I have started to cut. Doing it for the simple fact that it helped me release some pain. I have cut before but not like this. I didn't want people to know what I was doing. I liked having it personal. Keeping the marks I placed upon my body under my clothing where only I would see them. I keep asking myself why is this such a good release for me. I personally cannot answer that question.
At A Glance Author Kittie Contact Kittie@bme.anon IAM Kittie When It just happened Artist Me. Studio Friends house. Location Northern California. I do not see myself as being destructive. I find it beautiful. I do not want to die. I am not suicidal in any way. I am a perfectly natural normal 18-year-old girl. I place the marks upon my body because I simply like watching the blood slowly release itself from my fresh split skin. I love feeling the slight sting, watching my cuts heal.
I was sitting in my friend's backyard and was looking down at my arm. I noticed that my brand was almost faded. It was done poorly and not properly taken care of so didn't heal quiet as well as it should have. Before I realized what I was doing I had my knife out slowly scraping the skin on top of my heart shaped scar. Each moment that passed I wanted to see it bleed more and more. So I grabbed a clean brand new razor blade and started to slowly cut on my arm. Gently outlining the already present scar with the fresh new blade. Watching for when I pressed hard enough to allow the blood to show.
By this point in time my friend had noticed what I was currently doing to myself and started to watch me. Our conversation quickly started to change to what I was doing. She really wasn't bothered by my cutting but quite interested. She had cut on herself before but never had someone cut on himself or herself in her presence. I asked her if she'd like to help me. She reluctantly agreed. I placed my arm on her leg and she pulled the skin apart allowing me to cut deeper. Quickly I had a heart shaped cut on top of the brand I had done before. Satisfied with the outcome at the time I dismissed what I had been doing.
Later on I found some super sharp blades in my wallet. Quickly I un-wrapped them and started once again cutting around the area I had been cutting on before. This time the cuts had been made easier and deeper than before. As I made the first cut I instantly knew this blade was much sharper than the one's I had been using before. I sat there for about 45 minutes slowly cutting into my already irrated skin. The cut I made wasn't extremely deep but pretty good. The blood coming from the fresh cuts was promptly licked away by me. Instantly allowing me to continue on the process of trying to have a re-birth on my brand. I tried putting things on it like salt onto the fresh wound trying to create more pain. I wasn't getting the result that I wanted so I lost interest in cutting on myself.
Today when I showered I grabbed an old hard bristle toothbrush and my apricot face scrub that has walnut shells in it. I dipped the toothbrush into my face wash and started to scrub my fresh cut trying to irritate it more. First I allowed the warm water to soften the scabs before I started to scrub the toothbrush over the area on my arm where the cut is. Sitting here writing this I keep looking at my arm I am proud of the results of last night.
For the healing process I am going to keep using the toothbrush in the shower with some face wash to keep irritating the cut. I am also going to pick at the scabs in a week or two. Hoping that when it finally heals the scar will be better than what it had been before. I don't know why I am so attached to the heart placed upon my sleeve but I love it. I hope that this time I will be successful in my attempt to create a scar that will stay for longer.
I am surprised that I took such an interest in the heart on my arm by allowing myself to cut in a place that can be seen by any and everyone. I had the brand for about a year and half before I cut last night. I guess I have just grown used to the scar on my arm. It is beautiful and simple. I was thinking when I first branded the heart onto my arm that I would regret it. Last night when I noticed how faded the brand had become I didn't want to let go of the scar. Subconsciously wanting it to be there for longer. I am happy of what I have done and hope that this time it stays for a lot long. If it doesn't I guess I will re-brand it.