Since I got my first body modification done two years ago, I fell in love with them. It was a simple eyebrow piercing but right away, I was addicted. I constantly pestered my mom for more, but she said no. Less than a year later, I got my second mod done, and was even more addicted.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact anonymous@bme.anon When It just happened Artist myself Studio my house Location calgary, AB For me, it wasn't about getting pierced and looking hot. I just loved getting piercings. The feeling of the needle hitting flesh and being poked through is just indescribable. About a year ago, I cut myself for the first time. I wasn't depressed, angst-ridden or anything like that. I loved the feeling of blade against skin. Gradually, the cuts began to appear on my arms, my legs and they grew in quantity. But, I stopped for awhile.
A few months ago, I started again. Again, it wasn't about being depressed and wanting to cut away the pain. It was about wanting the pain. Wanting the feeling of the blade dragging across my skin. It gave me such a rush, and I loved the feeling after the endorphins kick in. Gradually, the cutting became worse and more frequent. On my right thigh, I have the words "No Trust" carved into my skin. I cut some more. On my stomach, my legs. Wherever they could easily be hidden.
I'm straight edge, and I'm very proud of accomplishing this. And I wanted to kind of do something to show myself how committed I am. I don't want to get an sXe tattoo until I'm at least 18. So I figured my only other option was cutting a symbol into myself. I decided on three X's. Two small ones, and one big one, like this: xXx. Now, I just had to decide on where. Had to be somewhere where I could hide it. I figured my leg would be the best option, considering I don't wear shorts, and rarely, if ever, do anything that involves showing my legs. So, I grabbed my razorblade, headed down stairs and sat down cross-legged, with my right leg on top of my left. I figured down by my ankle would be a good spot. So I rolled up my pant leg and prepared to permanently mark my flesh with the symbolic X's.
I then decided I couldn't do this without any music. Then came deciding on a CD. I chose Brand New, popped it in, and began. As Sic Transit Gloria faded out, the first X, the middle one was finished. I could barely feel the pain, it was an amazing feeling. I watched the blood pool out of the fresh wound in amazement. I didn't feel like I was injuring myself, or as some would say, mutilating myself. I simply felt like I was just getting another body mod. I've always felt that way when giving myself a new cut.
"Okay," I said to myself, "you can't stop now, only 2 more X's left." As Brand New's "I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light" began, I started the second X, to be placed to the left of the first one. I dragged the blade across quicker this time, making the 2 cuts to form an X. I went over the lines 2 or 3 times, hoping to make it scar. I sat and watched as the blood slowly seeped out. Beautiful. I love this feeling. I love watching it bleed. I dragged the blade across again, watching more blood escape the wound.
Same song. "Watch me as I cut myself wide open on these stages I am paid to spill my guts." How appropriate, I thought. Turns out Brand New were a rather good choice in music. Time for the third and final X. I picked up the blade once more. I made two more quick cuts. To the right of the first X, was now a smaller one, almost a mirror image of the X on the left. I traced over the initial cut several times, as it bled. I could barely feel the pain. The sensation was amazing, indescribable. I now have three X's on my leg, symbolizing my straight edge lifestyle. I couldn't be happier about them. They don't look perfect, but I'm not perfect, and it shows my imperfection, I guess you could say. I didn't use a stencil or tracing lines or anything. I made the cuts totally freehand and they don't look half bad. They're about half an hour old now, and they sting a bit, but the pain is an awesome feeling. I love it. I love my new cuts.
I made it easily hidden, because I don't want to show anyone else. They're not for anyone else to see. They're for me and that's what's important. I definitely plan on cutting them more as time goes on, because I'd sure like to have it scar. I tried taking pictures to submit to BME, but my camera refuses to take non blurry pictures. But, feel free to contact me if you'd like to see them, or any of my other mods. Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my experience as much as I enjoyed going through it, and I can't thank you enough for taking your time to read about my new mod.
warning: Self-cutting isn't for everyone, and if you don't know what you're doing, I would definitely not recommend it. This was just about my own experience and in no way at all, did I submit this to encourage others to do so.