At A Glance
Author	Four
Contact	Four@bme.anon
IAM	Subversive.
When	It just happened
Artist	Rites of Passage
Studio	Emerys' Yard! WOO!
Location	Pittsfield, Mass

I didn't learn what I was expecting to learn- so I learned not to expect.

Along_Those_Lines's BBQ on 8/14/04... the greatest weekend I have had yet, really. I was not familiar with Emerys much, other than a few good minutes of conversation at RI SusCon '04- my first firsthand experience with suspensions. The NYC Rites Of Passage crew is all familar territory and friends to me now, and here I found myself with them Emerys' beautiful wooded back yard in Massachusetts; it all came together quite nicely.

I had already done one suspension, at an event set up by Amnesiac and I in her back yard on Long Island 3 months ago. I went up with no problems into a 30 minute amusement ride in the form of a 4 point suicide... It was amazing, and I cried hard for 2 days after. I loved how much it fucked with my head (As not much really can) and I loved that I can explore it with my own hands, my own body- unlike so many other things we learn about 3rd hand in this world. It was real, no matter how much I did not understand what it did. I was addicted before I even left the ground

At the suggestion of Penance, I decided to try throwing my owns hooks. Cere and xPUREx, 2 people who I have come to trust very much in many ways, prepped me on the massage table under a tree that has seen many more suspensions than I have.
I had already thrown 2 hooks in other people, so I knew what to expect as far as how to do the procedure itself. I also know what hooks feel like going in, and I LOVE the feeling. Nonetheless, I found that for the first time since I started Body Piercing 6 years ago, my hands were shaking. SHAKING. xPUREx held one side of my skin for me, and I steadied myself as much as I could. I looked around- there were people everywhere around me, watching, which made me both more nervous and more determined to just do it. I realized that I was sitting under a tree in Massachusetts in some guy's back yard in my fucking underwear and a wife beater, with my friends helping me shove 8 gauge hooks, big enough to catch a 200 lb fish, through my fucking knees.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

Okay, I'm ready. 2 breaths. Pierce. It took me about 3 seconds to get it. It took me a second to realize that it felt like oxygen after being choked for too long. (Too long...) Second hook, still a little shakey. By the fourth, I wished I had a couple extra knees to pierce... this is getting serious in a very silly way.... I looked down. The hooks look so much bigger when you are looking down at them. ::sigh:: Okay Four... next...

I made my way over to the Tower in the back of the yard. 13 feet of
sturdy wooden suspension support, built just for this purpose by a few very skilled hands, a long time ago. I have a very faint memory from years ago of seeing someone hang from this tower on TV, and seeing Along_Those_Lines' xDRUGxFREEx tattoo. And here I am, 23 years old now, Drug Free as well, and already a minor veteran
and student of this strange and amazing form of art and meditation
that at one point, I watched on a square box that showed me nothing but some guys I would never meet doing something I would never get to do...

Another suggestion at the BBQ was that I try pulling myself up. Hmm... yeah well, I figured it would be the same either way, just one was at my own hand, and I love self control. It's mine.
Cere rigged me up, explaining everything he was doing as he went. I tried to pay as close attention as I could but... I was a little out there getting my head ready. When we got it all nice and even, they handed me the rope. I pulled on it a little, and felt a nice familiarity with the initial burn. I lifted my legs to a 90 degree angle, and let them sway like they were in a hammock. It was one of the most comfortable things I have ever felt. I cued
Amnesiacto hit play, and Incubus "SCIENCE" came on. I pulled as tight as it would go with my back and ass still on the ground, and by the time the song dropped in, I had told myself to shut the fuck up and went hand over hand faster than I realized and was in the air within a couple seconds. I remember thinking that I could feel every move of my hand on that rope in each opening in my knees, and the self control felt very paid off for even just that. I DID IT! And I loved it. I hung for a few minutes, and handed the rope off to someone on the crew. Then I wanted it to hurt.

I swung myself as far as I could towards the sides of the tower. I think I got someone's help to eventually reach it, and I shoved myself as hard as possible off the tower, side to side and ran my hands across the ground as fast as I could. I grabbed onto the tower a few times, trying to pull myself as hard as I could. I could feel every hole very distinctly, when I moved I noticed the differences in tension in each one. Self Discovery as my Mom never taught me, as most people in this world will never know.

Then I hung as quietly as I could. It was hard to chill, as I just wanted to have my head upright for a minute to orient myself. I looked at the grass. I looked into the grass. I grabbed at it and felt like I was being pulled off the face of the planet. I couldn't feel the hooks for moments at a time. It kind of felt like gravity was in the sun. Once again, like I had when I watched the ground beneath my feet during my first hanging, I didn't know if I was alive or not... this time I didn't care in the least, I just finally accepted that I am already dead... and not even being deep about it. I do not feel any different. It just is what it is and since it is nothing, I really know I can do anything now.

I came down for a few minutes, kept my legs dangling in the air... I could have stayed in that position and fallen asleep. I figured maybe I should refrain from a nap in the middle of a suspension, at least this time, and had them pull me back up. Another round of swinging and pushing, hanging limp, taking off my bra and doing it again, and I was done. I was up for about a half an hour I think.
I laid out on the ground and Cere and Brian took out my hooks (which somehow actually hurt more than anything else) and bled me out. I just laid there being blank with the sun blinding me through the tower. I wanted to want to cry, but I couldn't. It wouldn't come to me, I almost felt too fine. I just wanted to be covered up and not speak for a little while, though nothing was wrong.
I put on my clothes and hugged my friends.

I love my friends.

I didn't love the people who ate all my tofu dogs while I was hanging.