I had decided earlier this year, after chatting to people on the IAM part of BME that I should, at some point next year, very much like to do a suspension. My reasons for this stemmed from two. The first was as a precursor to a tongue-split. I had decided in my head that if I could go through a suspension then I would have enough control over my emotions to enable me to go through the procedure of a tongue-split. The second, quite linked to the first reason, really, was what you might call a rite of passage. My doorway being fear. Fear is the single most limiting factor in my life, on all levels. Fear, or rather my inability to deal with it, has seen many an opportunity in my life pass me by. I get 'the fear' immensely before any piercing, hence the reason most of mine have been self done. 'The fear' prevents me from going to the dentist, resulting in a gobfull of rotting teeth (they're not that bad but I do need alot of work doing!).
At A Glance Author badhairdo Contact badhairdo@bme.anon IAM badhairdo When A week ago Artist Metal Fatigue Collective Studio Bournemouths 2nd annual Suscon Location Bournemouth, UK Anyway, it was about nine weeks ago when I put my name down on the list to attend a suspension meet. The object being to watch and get to know people who worked within the whole body modification industry as a big part of my passion is to train as a practitioner. I was chatting to one of the organisers via IAM when he asked me if I wanted to suspend. Don't ask me why but I said 'yes'. As I mentioned earlier, I hadn't intended doing a suspension until next year, but, I said 'yes'!! I felt no fear, just a little tinge of excitement and thought little of it until the week of the meet.
I arrived at the meet on the saturday. It had been a long drive down. I had had very little sleep but it didn't matter as I was so looking forward to the whole thing. It was a glorious day and the meet was situated a five minute walk from the beach. The rig looked awesome! All those wanting to suspend were called aside to chat and I expressed my preference for doing mine on the sunday. However, as the day progressed, I let it be known that I might be interested in suspending later that day after sunset, when it was a little cooler. Still, there was no fear, no anticipation, no emotion other than that of being around new people in a great setting during a lovely summers day.
It wasn't until I accompanied my girlfriend into the piercing space to support her whilst she had some surface piercings done that the fear hit me! I don't know what it was but that was it.. I had 'the fear'. It hit me like a cricket bat in the face that in a matter of hours I was going to do the most extreme thing I had ever done. I was worried about the piercing. Four 4mm hooks through my back! Would I cope? Would this be the first time in my life that I would lose consciousness? Would i throw up? Would I cry? Would I run screaming after the first two hooks?
I spent the rest of the day with a constant stream of adrenaline coursing through my veins. When the time came for me to go into the piercing area, that stream turned into a torrent! I sat on the couch being marked up and tried to objectively note my bodily responses. My heart was beating like some caged beast trying desperately to burst through its shackles and run off into the distance. My hands had become numb. My breathing somewhat erratic. I recognised this. This was the early symptoms of a panic attack, which I have only had twice in my life. The first was in the chair at a dental hospital when they told me the nurse who normally administers the nitrous oxide was off sick and the second was at the bottom of a 120foot well that I had abseiled down with no torch. However, this was my rite of passage. I was going to kick down that wall of fear and do as I pleased and hell I was going to get hooked!
I'll not lie here. For all you reading this, hoping for an account that will allay your fears, the hook insertion hurts like hell!! But it's worth it. I'd do it all again. The insertion of the first two brought about a palpitation attack and I need a few minutes to compose myself before the next two. In fact, after the first two, my girlfriend, who had been squatting down holding my hands, got up to give me a hug and I shouted at her to 'back off' after which I immediately felt terrible! Luckily, she understood my reaction. The second lot of hooks hurt even more than the first two, which suprised me for I'd have thought that the endorphine rush from the first lot would have dulled the pain. It took me a good ten minutes after the insertion before I was ready to hang. It was so wierd. I had no fear now. I wasn't nervous about the actual suspension. I was looking forward to it.
Funny moment.
Question: "would you like a rope-bitch?"
My reply: "no, bitch!!"
So, there I was, getting attached to the rig in front of several people all sitting around. It was really relaxed. I was really relaxed. I had selected 'Hallucinogen' to suspend to. I didn't want something too chilled. Acid trance did nicely. Once the hooks had been attached and tensioned, I looked at the person holding my hands and distinctly remember telling her that it felt an impossibility to hold my own body weight on hooks. Honestly, that's what it did feel like. But I'd seen it done and I was going to do it myself. I find it hard to describe the transition from feet on the floor to feet off the floor as I wasn't even aware of hearing my music or the applause as I became airborne. I can, however, attempt to describe that most amazing feeling that I got shortly after I left the ground. It's the point at which my consciousness switched from there being only two other people in the world - the person holding my hands and the person pulling the ropes (my rope-bitch!!) to becoming aware of everything else. It's like the whole process of getting my feet off the ground was done inside my internal world and then this buzz hit me, my whole skin felt the same.. an intense buzzy sensation and, this I find hard to comprehend, but my mind seemed to be a part of my skin. I felt a physical sensation running through my mind. It's like mind and body became fused together instead of being seperate. It was so wierd. Then I became aware of everything externally. I could see my girlfriend, people taking pictures, everyone smiling at me. It was thoroughly amazing. I came down soon after and was asked if I wanted to go up again. In honesty, I didn't want to detract from that first experience. I was happy to chalk that up as my first suspension. That's why the pain of the hook insertion was worth every second and I know I'll go through the whole panic attack thing next time but hey, it's just a part of the whole positive experience.
Big thanks to all who helped out, all the Metal Fatigue Collective and my girlfriend. Sorry I yelled at you and thanks for finding me bourbon creams.