Body modification was definitely not something I was familiar with at the age of 14 but that did not stop me. I'm not sure what causes that drive to shock the senses, to cut down the barriers of pain tolerance, but it infiltrated my brain with a pretty big impact. In Grade 8 I took it upon myself to carve a crush's name into my arm. It hurt a fair bit but it wasn't very deep nor did it scar, however, my tool of choice was a compass, which isn't very sharp. It took a long time to do and there was not much blood; to this day I don't know why I wanted to do it, but that's history now.
At A Glance Author jennittles Contact jennittles@bme.anon When It just happened Artist self-done Studio at home Location ontario, canada I didn't do any other sort of self-mutilation after that; I didn't feel the need to. Years passed and now that I am in my last year of high school the drive to feel pain came once again. I suppose it started because I found an exactor knife lying around and I decided to see just how sharp it was. I ran it across my lower leg lightly and was surprised to feel a trickle of cold liquid travel down my leg a short time later. I figured that if such a soft gesture could produce such a nice cut, what else could I do? I soon found out the possibilities are endless.
I am also fond of piercings (I have 00g stretched lobes, 3 cartilage, belly button, both nipples, centre tongue and lip) and intend to get more, but it's quite an expensive procedure (when professionally done) to feel that adrenaline rush exit your body, and it usually stops registering with your nerves after a few minutes. I know I've spent hundreds of dollars on piercings already (which scares me since I'll be 18 soon enough and on come the tattoos!) and I've become a little more cautious with my monetary spending, so this time I decided it would be a self-done modification. Well, "decided" isn't quite the right word; it was more of a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I find pain as a release of tension and stress that I tend to inflict upon myself; although I enjoy incense and relaxation, the sight of blood is just more appealing to me. More or less, these would be my reasons for choosing to cut myself.
My definition of 'pain' should probably be explained before I continue. I frequent BME and am familiar with most of the images on the site, which implies I have seen some serious blood play and ritual cuttings. I do not have the guts, the tolerance or the desire to go very deep into my skin; at least not yet. The area around my wrists is soft and sensitive (I'm told Polish people tend to have thinner skin and I guess what they say is true) so I tend to shy away from making any incisions there. I have in the past, but I do not enjoy having other people see my cuts and not understand my mindset behind them. As for the pain factor, as long as it draws some blood, I am usually satisfied.
Being fidgety and quite active, I find sitting at a computer boring, even if there is music playing and an essay to be written. My exactor knife calls to me mostly late at night, and it's hard to resist its allure. I'll expose the blade, make sure it's clean and go to work. I enjoy designing basic shapes (stars, interlocking triangles, etc) or a sort of computer-chip pattern and my lower leg is always the location of choice.
The look when the blood first surges beneath the cut and finally exposes itself is extremely fascinating, as is the finished project. I have even become daring enough to remove skin rather than just slice through it. This, admittedly, is a bit more trying on my nerves, but easily accomplished nonetheless. The garbage fills up with bloody Kleenexes pretty quickly, but this only made me happier. Every time I slashed through my skin with my trusty exactor knife it was like a release, every stroke symbolizing a burden being freed from within. Beauty and relief was all I could see.
My boyfriend is not approving of this, but I find it hard to stop myself. I am thinking of doing an ink rubbing next time, now that the skin removal of my star is healing so well. One day I know I'll work up the nerves to buy some small-gauged needles and have some fun with play piercings, but for now I'll settle with my mild blood play.
I understand most people look upon " cutters" as stupid or troubled but I think it's a harmless act of expressing emotions and satisfying psychological needs. I would definitely recommend a really sharp knife and a few slashes whenever you're feeling a little lethargic – it surely wakes you up!