There are moments in life when you need to find out about yourself, seemingly, thinking about it would be appropriate. But alas, sometimes introspection is best when your focused on another.

I am now with new steel and a little better understanding of who I am. More importantly proof that I am willing to be who I believe I am.

It is 4 am. and I sit awake and aware, feeling more myself than before. Oddly enough, with the help and understanding of one friend, one person whom I only had e-mail contact with and 4 persons previously unknown to me.

The evening was to be about Essie who had an amazing, exhilarating, wonderful experience which was (luckily for those to view it) videotaped. A play piercing experience. It was so much more the "experience" than it had to do with play piercing -- Do not misunderstand me -- it was indeed play piercing, but those words don't carry with them any of the feeling of what it is all about. Only "an experience" really starts to cover what this was about. An experience is something that changes you forever. This video leaves it's mark on any who view it. So deeply in myself that I cannot even attempt to understand what it meant to Essie.

To explain the video would not do it justice, to call it beautiful or captivating might, though I would clearly say only those that see it may feel it. So many descriptive words are not understood in the way they are spoken or written unless you know the person who uses them... Perspective ? Relativity ? To describe this is similar to describing a wave to someone who has never seen so much as a lake, a color to a man that can only see shades, or calling the Grand Canyon "huge" without giving any reference to scale.... I don't' think it can be done... At best I ask understand that I saw it as one of the most powerful things I have ever viewed.... I can't say it any other way...

I had been thinking about an Apadravya or Ampallang for a few months. Actually since before I even got my PA. Every reason for it was met by a reason not to. The main reason for me was that I am totally in love with a woman that doesn't really understand Body Mod. She had accepted my P.A., Cutting and Tats, but not in a way that would make me feel comfortable about more.

I had decided to not go any further with my exploration/decoration. Honestly I really didn't mind giving it up either. (hey, that doesn't make me a candidate for a human sacrifice at the next Munch does it ?)

While we all sat watching the tape, I focused on what Essie may have felt during that time, what she might be feeling now sharing it with relative strangers, and just how comfortable I felt with these people. At one point someone made a comment about the "girl on TV" and questioned what she must have been feeling... never realizing that the "girl" was actually sitting right next to him... For a few moments I think it may have been a little uncomfortable for them or at least him to keep watching with that new found revelation... but all in all, it seemed to break up any tension that might have been there...

Somewhere along the line I realized that these people all accepted each other undeniably, or at the very least I perceived it this way. It got me thinking that love should work as well as that. If I felt as though I need to hold back what I really feel for another then maybe I am not getting what I really need from them and should live a bit more for myself.

So there I was in the worlds harshest city, New York / Brooklyn USA... with a whim about getting an Apadravya done, contemplating life's difficulties, feelings, relationships -- all of it.

The video is over... conversation was great... a little wine.. RED wine.. how appropriate... and I blurt out.. "it's too bad you don't have any piercing needles here" to which I hear "why, what do you want to get pierced?.." suddenly silence in the room, as conversation seems to morph into pure energy... I say Apadravya.. and there is sound again... good sounds.. interested sounds... I have committed... I am relieved... but now in for the unknown consequences of my words...

I started to drift into another world while Keith is double checking me asking me if I am sure, did I drink too much.. that sort of thing, though I think he knew I really wanted to because we had spoken about it over the summer. So here we are, people talking about it, and I am losing everything in an amazing blur of senses... I had only one thought.... and that of course was...

?!?!?!?!?!?!? DID I JUST SAY THAT ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Sure I doubted myself (wouldn't you ?) but I knew I wanted to do it. Keith gave me opportunity to back out without looking as though I was. _ Someone suggested it was the Red Wine speaking. It was not. I very well may have had the intoxicated feeling but it was assuredly only from the mood of the evening.

The Room was abuzz now, I recall someone else was going to get a pierce also, which eased my mind somewhat. Then that became a non-happening just as quickly as I had heard about it... I was to be the lone shishkebob.....

While Keith went out to his shop to pick up the necessary materials after taking a quick glance at my dick to get an idea of the size bar though would fit (which by the way really couldn't fit any better had I measured it with a caliper -- I give him a lot of credit for excellence in his work... but this HAD to be luck... I have seen the damn thing in every state it can be in for all my life and I wasn't even sure it was close to the right size for two days AFTER I got it pierced..)

Sean started talking to me about when he had it done... now to this day I don't know if he was trying to help me or fuck with me.... I recall him telling me over and over about how he screamed during it and saying just how painful it was... maybe it stands out so much because it was exactly what I did NOT want to hear as the seconds were ticking away.... he then reassured me that he wasn't kidding... THANKS !!!!!

Keith Arrived with a ton of things... I really couldn't tell you what, but it was impressive.... hehehehe ok... well thats stupid... if it were anyone else, I would have wanted to know.. but I totally trust Keith, and it wasn't a concern of mine what he brought... That kind of trust gave me the chance to totally focus on what was happening, and that alone... No concerns about sterility, or his expertise... my only thoughts were of getting mentally prepared for this..... oh and getting the thought of my screams of horror and waking up all of Keith's neighborhood with them, I was kind of trying to get that out of my head.... once I did that, I was ok...

We all went into the bedroom, I noticed two of the people fidgeting as Keith was getting prepared, I was asked to prepare myself which would involve exposing myself to a festival crowd.... This is NOT easy to do... for me anyway... (ok, so maybe it wasn't quite as large a festival crowd as Woodstock but it was by far the most people I have exposed myself to since the "incident" at Yankee Stadium a few years ago... hey, like you never streaked) I heard a few of the comments, I preferred to ignore... about my flacidity... yeah yeah sure, it was meant to break the tension in the room... but it's not YOUR dick they are joking about is it.....

I was asked if I was ready, what music I wanted on etc..... I said I was not... simply because I wasn't... I asked Essie to stand by my side and hold my hand, apologizing beforehand for the inadvertent squeeze that was sure to follow. Felt comfortable and told Keith to go ahead... He had already marked the exit with a pen... I laid back looked at the ceiling and totally lost track of time... I felt the start of it, and I started thinking about someone who is very important in my life... not thinking about anything in particular, just picturing her... I wasn't feeling anything... but then just when I felt as though it should be over, I realized that it wasn't.... I underestimated how long it would take, or time was just standing still.. I am not sure.... at this point though I was feeling it... I was acutely aware of the sensation of pain.... The girl I had in my mind was fading and the pain was taking her place... (somewhat of a eerie similarity with real life...) I let out the pain with something like "this sucks.... This REALLY sucks...." Quite a lot less then I figured I was going to bitch about it.... At the very point where I felt as though I wasn't going to be dealing with it as well as I had been.... (another words when I thought I was going to go ballistic and start yelling) it stopped.....

I was amazed that it didn't hurt that much..... in fact had I known then how easy it was going to be, I would have asked him to do an amp too.... go for the X, well actually a cross... Uh oh.... time for the jewelry.... for some reason that actually hurt more than the piercing... I guess it had to do with the fact that I prepared myself only for the needle, and not that.... Damn I should have known better....

Keith's aim was superb, the needle actually exited so perfectly, you couldn't see the dot he had marked with the pen earlier.... What more could I have asked for....

Essie said I didn't squeeze her hand too much.... I think I did fairly well given the intense nature of this type of piercing... I think it all had to do with the people around me... people that are willing to share with strangers.... People willing to let others feel what they feel... I am not going to be so nieve as to say all Body Mod people are like this, but I find a much larger percentage of them are then within the general population... I am very glad I got into it, and even more happy to have met the people I have, especially those people who have witnessed what I have done.... Thank you..

I got wrapped up... I healed... thats that....

Oh, ok.. so maybe it wasn't that easy... but it seemed to be... I barely bled... I really can't recall any discomfort apart from the time that I pulled it out of my underwear a little too fast and it snagged on the waistband... actually that hurt more than the initial piercing...

A few days later, I realized that I didn't like it just as the apadravya... so I took the 10ga ring I had in the PA and put that back with it..... it took a few minutes, but didn't really hurt and wasn't difficult.... I like the way it looks too.... I am very very anxious to get it upsized... aesthetically I think more than for any other reason...

I recall committing myself to a ball dance sometime in the future.... I am looking forward to that too, because of the enthusiasm Keith has towards it and again because of my trust in him..... it just seems as though each time I take another step there is yet another to take... hmmmm I just don't understand why I used to think there were such limits in my life before.. I always thought I knew my limits... yet I keep breaking my own barriers... I love life....

I would hate to say that if the piercing and cutting experiences had not been as positive as they were I would not at that state of mind... but it is true.... Had any of those experiences been bad, I may have not gone any further..... I feel those things to be key parts of how I became who I am today.... I have to thank Keith for that.... Once again I am not really sure if anyone can really understand that kind of statement, or the depth of which it emanates from.... There are very few people I have ever met that I truly respect.... Keith is one... Keith is a friend.... He knows that though so I won't go on about it... but again Thank you...

What have I left out ??? I don't know.... I may add another note at a later date about the later healing, the using, the whatever might come to mind... but this is about all for now...

A few final notes... though...

I was made aware of the fact that Andria had grabbed Keith's camera and snapped a few shots of this, but really didn't notice while it was going on.... I have been informed since that SOMEONE forgot to check to see if there was actually any film in the camera.... I assume you can guess what the answer to that is.... I can't say I am not disappointed, but it just means next time I do something like this I make sure.... I am actually more upset that the shots taken earlier in the evening would not exist either... This was my first munch... and I would have loved to have a photo to remember it... but then, how can I ever forget it.... I am reminded many times a day.. 8)

Keith's Cat...... I don't like most cats.... but this one has a special charisma.... and damned sharp claws... I believe that they made me bleed more than cuttings did.... But I like that cat... (I guess he cat inadvertently takes after Keith...)

Keith's Mom.... I never met her..... but my oh my the impression she made with the Shrimp Pasta she donated.... it was superb..... I am not a food lover, to me eating is something I HAVE to do, so I don't usually enjoy it like some others do... but the key here is that I said "USUALLY".... it was fantastic and I thank her for that... (and Keith for not hiding it in the fridge and ordering some pizza so he could keep it to himself...)

If you didn't get the gist of this.... I am totally undeniably happy with having gone thru with this... and the circumstances could not have been better.... Just in case I wasn't clear enough...

Thanks to all of you...

Troy
Bongi22@bigfoot.com