A late night e-mail

At A Glance Author Z Contact Z@bme.anon Location Colorado

Dear BME reader,

The following is an e-mail I sent to a friend when she had a hard time believing that I was pierced. While I had another version of the same tale written ready to send, the following seemed more entertaining. If nothing else, it benefits from the stream of consciousness and openness allowed by writing it after midnight when I was very tired. I am not proud of the level of grammar and writing skills, yet it captures the emotions the feelings in a good way... Have you ever written a letter to a friend where you just wrote what you thought in the order you thought it? The e-mail:

Your Questions:

Q. Do you have a piercing?

A. Yes, one in my ear, one below the belt.

Q. What type.

A. Ampallang. 14 gauge.

Q. Why?

A. Ear. This was for no other reason than looks really. I liked how they looked. 16 gauge

A. Ampallang. Mind over matter really, for myself only, for no one else. More on that:

I did not even feel the ear piercing at all, so that doesn't count as an experience. I literally asked the lady with the piercing gun (which in hindsight is not the way to go) -- "Is it done"?

The one below the belt really did hurt, but not in a bad way... To me, stubbing my toe is one of the most painful experiences around, and burns suck too. Needles and pricks have never really hurt me in a "painful" way.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of needles and pain... In high school I donated blood mainly to get rid of the fear of needles... It worked. I gave insulin shots to my cat for a couple years (yes he had diabetes, but with the insulin he lived another 4 happy years). I have removed my own stitches that required a bit of digging. I can easily dig a splinter out... I am not afraid of breaking my own tissue, or letting others do it.

In fact, getting blood drawn or a shot gives me a mini adrenaline rush. There is something special about something entering your body like that, like going on a vacation to somewhere you have never been... Lets face it, going under your skin with a needle is not an every day experience unless you do drugs or have diabetes...

So why this piercing? Well, it is one of the older documented piercings, or at least it has history. In some tribes, it was a coming of right experience. Apparently, they used to tie flat bamboo on each side of the penis, let it soak in a cold river for a long time, then pierce with a sharpened quill. I saw someone that claimed that one tribe required the young men to not make a facial expression of pain when the procedure was done, or else they would have failed the right of passage...

So why me? Some of it was sexually motivated, meaning that I expected a bit of sexual stimulation after the healing was done. But that was not the driving force. Rather a side effect.

Some say that this particular piercing is the "big daddy", meaning that this one goes thru a lot of skin, in a highly sensitive area. But it seemed as a no-brainer for me, as the fact a P.A. could require a change in bathroom habits due to a uneven stream, made it unappealing, and I did not like the aesthetics of the other piercings. And P.A.'s seemed to be more common, and I did not want to do the "standard thing".

While I never could express all the reasons why I did it, I will describe the sensations of the procedure, and maybe you will understand.

Location - place near downtown that really drew me in. It was decorated like a cross of a Pier One store and Starbucks, and the people working there were really down to earth and "natural". Of all the places around town, this place was less like a tattoo shop or bar, and more like a spiritual place.

Once I was called into the room, there was a great deal of markings and measurements to make a grid that showed the placement. This took maybe 10 minutes. During this time, we talked, we had some common past experiences. She was very cute, but since the whole experience was overwhelming, I did not get "excited"... While I have not undressed for many people within 30 seconds of meeting them, this was more like a doctors office visit than anything else.

She asked me if I wanted to lay down. I did, with my feet on the floor off the end of the table. She was between my legs, my legs resting on hers, so she could get close.

She put on a clamp, which I did not feel.

Then she had me take three deep breaths, and on the third she was to go...

By then, I had put myself in a zone. A zone where I made myself overly sensitive to the happenings around me. On the third breath I was ready. I could feel the progress of the needle as it went thru. It was one of the most painful (no, intense) experiences I have faced, yet it was quick. The second she was thru the pain was gone. A second latter, she pushed the needle all the way thru with the barbell, leaving the jewelry in place. As this happened on a off breath and I was not "ready", this hurt more than the original needle. I had my hand on my chest, and I remember grabbing my shirt and making a real stiff fist.

Seconds latter I found myself doing a "sewing machine leg", as I must have tightened up on the insertion of the jewelry.

I was completely relaxed, until the jewelry insertion... My heart rate was surprisingly low. My nervousness was even lower.

The second she was done, the pain was gone, and except for some minor "itching" feelings, it never hurt again... It bleed one drop of blood on the needle on the first day, two drops on the second day, and never again.

But, the immense pain was great... You might not believe that pain can be great, yet it was. As I said earlier, stubbing my toe "hurts" more, and I hate that experience. But this was great. Why? I don't know. Perhaps it was because I wanted it. It was not an accident like when you cut yourself or a doctor's requirement like a shot. It was something I desired. The side effects I experienced were great too: Yes there was a "natural high" that lasted a couple minutes that made me feel invincible...

But there is something else. I closed my eyes, knew when the pain was to happen, although I never predicted to what extent, and absorbed it. It cleaned my mind for a while... Why? I mean truly I absorbed the needle experience. I kept my eyes closed, kept breathing, did not flinch my fists or facial muscles, and just let the experience fill my body. I did not move a muscle. Nothing else in the world could have entered this zone. I could not have thought about anything other than the experience I was feeling.

***The emotional feeling was like filling a glass with milk. The milk being the every day world. Then taking a whole swimming pool of water and dumping it into the glass. The milk splattered out of the glass into the smallest droplets and was washed away while the water kept pouring in. For the first time in a long time, the only thing I felt was me, the internal me, somewhere I had not been in a very long time. It was a way of discovering myself, not the public me, but the private me. The private feelings, emotions, and desires that I could never share. Not because I don't want to, but because these private things cannot be expressed by words. ***

***And, there is something truly rewarding about absorbing the pain***. The jewelry insertion I did not absorb, and in hindsight I regret not preparing for it. I clinched my fist and other muscles and drove the pain energy there. It was spent, not absorbed. However, the first needle pain I completely absorbed. As crazy as it may sound, it will always be part of me. There is no way I can let it out, it is trapped inside. While this is a crazy comparison, think of it like paint versus stain. Paint is on the surface and always can be scraped away, but until it is removed, it hides the wood. Stain is absorbed and colors the wood's natural grains. There is no real way to remove the stain, especially if it absorbed deep within. So where is this pain stored in me? I can close my eyes and recall it pretty clearly, and while I can't put words to it, I can feel the needle sliding in, almost cutting cell by cell. Just like I can remember certain parts of my grandfather's funeral that I absorbed 15 years ago as if it was yesterday, like the moment when one of the US Army soldiers holding the flag above the casket dropped a tear for someone he never met, I can remember this. It can't be forgotten once it is absorbed.

This experience was better than sex could ever be, in the way it completely took over my body... While sex is great, there is always some pressure to perform. When you are with a partner, you try to make the experience mutually beneficial, and you try to work as a team, sometimes compromising your own "emotions". When you are by yourself, there are always the random thoughts that go thru your mind... The climax for guys is rather "painful", as the song lyrics go, "it hurts so good"... Yet there is always room for external thoughts even on the best orgasm.

But not being pierced. Every circuit in my body was filled with the same information, all flooding my brain with a sensation that was greater than one inch of skin, a sensation from head to toe.

Ok, so I have told you how it felt, which I never could have guessed before hand. But why did I do it, not knowing the sensations I would feel? Well, because it was a new experience, something a bit different, something I never had experienced before... And I knew that unlike a tongue or a nipple, this part of my body was the most personal, in that our society does not allow us to flaunt it around like tongues or nipples (men only)... And, while I never desired to keep up tribal traditions, it did have a mysterious history that fascinated me.

There are a surprisingly large quantity of pierced people out there, this is not that abnormal...

So what does the future entail... Well, I would like to see how far I can go. What do I mean by this? Well, I have bungee jumped perhaps 30 times by now. The first time was rather scary, and I don't remember much. I probably looked like the most uncoordinated sandbag falling off the ledge. The last time I did it, I was able to close my eyes, hold out my arms, and fly backwards off the ledge, eventually bouncing upside down, with arms still spread, and not a single breath off beat. While I still had adrenaline, the sensation of "scared" was replaced by the sensation of "flight"... The same could happen here... Changing the sensation of the unknown to the sensation of the known.

I don't really wish to have any more piercings below the belt for aesthetic reasons. However, the idea of absorbing pain fascinates me. I am not the first... There is a large group of people that do "suspensions". A suspension is where a human is "flown" from a structure by 10 or so carefully placed hooks in the skin. People describe the feeling as intense. While I am not ready for it now, meaning that I have to many other things in my life to take care of, not that I couldn't do it mentally. I think sometime I will have to try it. In fact, if someone walked into my bedroom tonight with the gear, I would do it in a heart beat, I just don't have the time to seek it out.

While I respect the tribes or people that attach hooks to a guy's backs, then make them tow stumps until the skin breaks, this experience does not appeal to me at all. Perhaps it is because it requires damaging the body in a rough way, not "productively" using the body's skin to hold jewelry in a piercing or hold it's own weight in a suspension. Perhaps it is because it requires physical activity and a goal that must be met, the tear of the skin.

Yet a suspension seems to be completely a concentration based experience. You don't have to move, you just can experience the sensations until you are ready to stop. There is no goal or finish point to reach. There is only one purpose, to discover yourself.

I truly believe the most intimate and most rewarding experiences are when you are able to dig deep inside and discover something about yourself. There are multiple ways to do this. By yourself alone - "Solitary". Having it done to you - "A Procedure". Doing it together - "Team Experience". Doing it to someone else - "Performance". Of those four, I think "Solitary" and "A Procedure" are the most deeply rewarding, as you can _concentrate on your feelings_ without worrying about the logistics of doing something to/with someone else.

Time for bed... Ok now that I have spilled my beans to you, you need to tell me something personal about yourself... Not that I want you to do it now, but when the spirit moves you. You will know when it does.