Several years ago, my husband scrunched up his face and said, "Owwwwwch" when, while watching "The Silence of the Lambs," the camera closed in on Buffalo Bill's pierced nipple as he danced, in full makeup, for his video camera – a scary portrayal of the ultimate in modification. I must say that I too said, "Ow, I would never do that," as I could not even imagine the pain that must be felt when a needle passed through the sensitive, enervated tissue that makes up a nipple.
At A Glance Author Sarojini Contact Sarojini@bme.anon IAM Sarojini When A week ago Artist Nate Studio Earth's Edge Body Boutique Location Winston-Salem, NC At that time, I was only beginning to enter the world of body modification myself. I had just a simple navel piercing and several earlobe piercings; yet every time a modified person walked by, I always looked in admiration. I hope they did not think I was staring because I thought they were weird or disgusting; I was simply in awe, and thinking, things like: They're so daring. So independent. So I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck. I wish that could be me.
You see, at that time, I felt it could NOT be me, even though I was in my late twenties. Unlike many, I wasn't worried about my job, as I knew well that other scientists had all kinds of mods – I saw them at work, and I saw many more at conferences where large groups gathered. No, the real problem was far more stupid and far more immature. At 27 years old, I was still afraid of what my parents would think.
It sounds crazy, but if you'd grown up in my home, you might begin to understand. A very strict Catholic upbringing, parents who told me how to dress and how to wear my hair, parents who gave no privacy and read mail that came to the house for me. It didn't stop as I grew older, either. Once, my best friend and I got henna art on our ankles on the Santa Monica Promenade when she visited me in graduate school there; I got a gorgeous vine of roses snaking up my calf. The next day, we both flew out of LA, me to Boston to see my parents, and she to San Francisco to see her boyfriend at the time. When I stepped off the plane, my mother said, before anything else, 'That had better not be a real tattoo." I was 24 or 25 years old, she hadn't seen me in a year, and yet she could not even say hello to me...no, instead, she had to scream at me in the middle of Logan International Airport about how it had better not be a tattoo.
Funnily, it was marrying my husband that later gave me the confidence to begin modifying myself in earnest (and also caused the sadness part of this story, but we will get to it in good time). He saw the interactions between my parents and me, and urged me to forget them, to do what I wanted, to realize that they really did not have any control over me any longer. He encouraged me to do what I wanted. By the time I was in my early 30s, his words had sunk in, and I got first the tattoo I'd been craving for 10 years, and then another that I'd conceived the idea for when reminiscing about graduate school. I also began to modify my ears, and got an industrial, a rook, and some nice helix piercings to go with my lobes.
As we all know, though, the modification bug is contagious and relentless, and when it is coursing through you, you want nothing more than to get another piercing or another tattoo. That is where I found myself several weeks ago. I was dying to be pierced, but I wasn't sure I wanted another ear modification.
In the meantime, I'd been on BME and also had made a few friends on IAM as well. I did a lot of reading about other experiences, and a LOT of looking at photos. I kept going back to the nipple piercing section over and over. I knew I'd said I'd never do it, and I was still a bit afraid of the pain, but I thought they just looked beautiful, especially when both nipples were pierced on a woman. Besides, I have a bladder condition that is chronic and causes a huge amount of pain; I knew that I could probably handle the nipple pierce if I could handle the pain of my disease. Without realizing it, I had started to want this piercing. When one friend on IAM suggested just going for it and doing it, I suddenly began to seriously think it over.
Day 1
I managed to carve out a few hours of free time midweek, which was good since I like to go get pierced when it is not crowded. Of course, I called Earth's Edge, where I'd gotten my nearly painless rook, and asked for Nate; he was busy, but I discussed what I wanted with his apprentice, and he said they could do it, no problem.
As a result, I drove on down there and waltzed in -- the apprentice, somehow, knew I wasn't going to chicken out and had the "repeat customer" form out for me already Hilarious! I filled in the rest of the cconsent form and signed it, hands shaking -- this, I must admit, was the first piercing I was truly NERVOUS about -- and then the apprentice (God, I wish I could remember his name, I feel horrible calling him by the name of a reality TV show) went over the standard aftercare stuff with me. He got the rings out and showed me they were still in their autoclave bags, and then said Nate would be with me shortly.
I asked Apprentice for a lighter to go outside and have a smoke to calm my nerves and then went back inside to busy myself by looking at the large selection of jewelry they have at Earth's Edge.
When Nate was ready, he came over to me and asked if I was ready, and of course, I said yes, although I had this little voice that, despite how much I wanted this piercing, said, "NO NO NO NO NO!" in the back of my mind. I went in and Nate pointed to the hooks where I should hang my clothes. I quickly and easily stripped to the waist; for me, that wasn't hard at all. I don't mind people seeing me topless; I spent some time in France at 15 years old and learned that "topless" doesn't mean "completely sexual and/or embarrassing" anywhere else in the world but the U.S., and as a result, I am comfortable that way. Plus, I knew Nate had seen all sorts of bodies, and mine wasn't going to be a big shock to him.
Once my top and bra were on the hooks next to my purse, I walked over to Nate and he had me stand before him while he marked me up, so my rings would be even from every angle.
"Are you nervous?" he asked with a half smile. I wondered if that had something to do with the state of my tits, or if I had goosebumps, or if I was shaking, or breathing hard...or all of the above. I answered truthfully, "Yes."
"It's going to hurt but it will be quick," he said. "I promise."
He sat me up on the table, which had me sitting yet slightly reclined backwards; like the tables in some doctors' offices. He brought over his tray of materials, and showed me the rings the apprentice chose -- they had a hematite ball, because Nate and his apprentice thought it would look cool with the black/grey tat I have above my left boob. (It does.) Nice they thought of me so much!!
Nate then began placing the clamps. That hurt quite a bit as he futzed around, getting them exactly right. On both sides, I thought, "OK, ENOUGH with the clamp, pierce it already...." and maybe that's what he wanted me to think, because as soon as I thought it, he brought the needle up to my nipple. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and took some deep, long breaths. On the third one, as I inhaled, Nate said, "Okay, hold this one," touched the needle to my nipple, "and then let it out," and pierced.
What I will tell you is that it hurts... but it only hurts intensely for a few seconds, and afterwards there is a slow burn that makes you very aware of your nipples in a way you've never been aware of them before. I will also tell you that this is one piercing you will be able to see happening right before your eyes -- for me, that is a good thing, as seeing a needle sticking out of my nipple was intriguing for me, as was seeing Nate thread the jewelry through, following the needle track. I will also tell you that this is the first piercing I've had that bled more than a drop; of course, I didn't gush blood, but there was several drops worth, and when I got home, my bra had some dried blood on the inside (a few more drops worth).
I will also tell you that if you're a girl, your bra is going to become your best buddy for the next few days, since these piercings really do feel better when supported... so get some soft cotton bras that still have support (underwire if you are uh, larger, like I am). A good type is the Victoria's Secret Signature Cotton line. They make the full coverage style, so the demi-cup doesn't bother the piercing. Not only does this stop irritating bounce, even during sleep, it also presses the rings down, because some, like mine, can stick straight out for a couple of days before the swelling goes down if they are left alone.
However, the pain was strong but bearable. I didn't make a sound during the actual piercing, other than letting my breath out. Some say they can't resist a squeal or a moan, but was able to breathe right through. Also of note, immediately after, I jumped up to look at my new CBRs, because I wasn't dizzy or feeling faint at all. They looked great, by the way!
The cost was reasonable too, $60 for both nipples, plus the $20 tip I gave Nate. I guess that's why I got dirty looks when I passed this group of "youngsters" waiting for their turn with the tatooer's ink or the piercing needle... I had apparently been allowed to cut the entire line when I came in because I am a big tipper. So, guys and gals, tip BIG if you like the work and plan to go back to the same place; you'll be a V.I.P. there in no time!
As for my nips, they are sore, and I've got to wash them later. And, I have to tell my husband what I did...... oooooooohhhhhhh....... is that him in the driveway??
Day 2
Nipples are sore and just a little crusty, but otherwise I am pleased with them and cannot stop lifting my shirt and looking at the pretty CBRs now lodged in my flesh. However, I am also very sad today, and the depth of the sadness is strange. It is like a ribbon of coal, running deep beneath the upper crust of happiness in me. My husband dug beneath that top crust of happiness today when he said he did not like my nipple piercings and hinted he did not like my other mods either; when he said that, the sadness came up through the hole he cut, and now, even after the storm of our "discussion" is over, every now and then the sadness comes up and throws me for a spin. It's so hard to stop spinning, but I do, just until the next time.
I married him because I loved him flaws and all, and the days he does not love me back, flaws and all... those make me want to disappear.
In addition to his contention the piercings were bad, he said he thought I was changing, that this meant I was sad and using mods to cover up that pain, that this meant it was his fault, and that I was preparing to leave him. This is stupid, obviously.
He simply doesn't understand that my mods are my choice, and yes, while occasionally I have, in the past, used them to cover up pain, I am not doing so now. I simply liked the way they looked... liked the way thy made me feel...wild, free. He doesn't understand that I need my freedom. He doesn't understand that I must experience everything and know myself before we have a child; after that, my life will never be my own again.
He also said that he can't believe I have done something I said I'd never do... get my nipples pierced. I changed my mind, is all. I read about it, talked to people about it, slowly and carefully made my decision, and did it. His problem now is that he is so rigid he cannot understand "changing one's mind", it seems. During our talk last night he kept asking, "But WHY did you change it?" No explanation was good enough..
He has always been rigid to the point, sometimes, of coldness... but I guess I did not realize he was so rigid he does not even understand change, even in other people. How can that be? Did I marry a form of artificial intelligence that cannot respond to varying personalities and varying forms of change that true life, true thought brings?
UPDATE: Several days later, my husband grew to like the piercings when he brushed them, and got a reaction that was much, much more intense than before. He has not mentioned how I've "changed" again, and I honestly hope he does not. Our life, for now, is back to normal.... with some pretty bling added!